Mistakes
by Natfanfirst
Summary: John left town and Natalie has moved on with her life. What happens when John comes back to Llanview after his brother is almost murdered by a deranged serial killer? This fic will be NC17 in the future.
1. Chapter 1

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**Chapter 1**

"Sorry to get you out of bed for this one Nat but I thought you might want to help" Bo told her as she walked up to the crime scene yawning. It was two in the morning and her uncle; her boss had called her and told her to come here.

"What's going on? You seem to have enough personnel in on this one, why am I here?" she asked watching more and more people walk around the crime scene, the scene that was located right down the alley from the Llanview Hospital.

"Thought you'd want to help cause this guy, the one I now think is targeting Hospital employee's just attacked and almost killed Michael tonight.

"What?" she said a bit shocked, " is he alright?"

"He's not dead like the one from last week but he's in critical condition," he told her and he watched her face, her mind, he even knew what she was going to ask next.

"Do you know how to get in touch with John? Have you called him yet?" she asked after a few minutes, John she thought, wow, it had been a long time since she asked or spoke anything about him, at least a year, at least a year since she saw him last also.

"I'm not sure where he is, but I have a call out to Eve and also to the FBI, I should be able to get in touch with him that way. He told her and she nodded her head.

"Okay, let me go check with my guys and we'll see if we can come up with anything" she told him as she walked away a bit from the scene, she walked closer to the west parking lot and she saw Marcie and her brother Ron walking towards her.

"Nat...what happened? Do you know...I mean... is Michael all right? No one said anything to me on the phone, only he's hurt" Marcie told her losing it, her brother Ron had a grip on her arm to steady her.

"Marcie I just got here myself, he's inside, let Ron take you inside and he'll find out all the information for you, Okay? I'll come in, and check on you in a few minutes" she told her and Marcie nodded her head towards her, Natalie weakly smiled at Ron and he escorted his sister into the hospital. Natalie turned to walk back towards the crime scene when she heard Marcie call out to her.

"Has anyone called John? Found John? He'd certainly come back if he knew his brother was hurt" she asked and told her

"You concentrate on Michael, we've got a few calls out to find John, he'll be here, for his brother" she told her and she had only hoped he would come thru for him now, she stood frozen for a few minutes as she remembered when he left, left her, left Michael, left town even.

Flashback

"I... I can't do this anymore John, its like... you're taking away all my light, I mean... I know that you love me, but...after all this time, you should be able to tell me. I never thought the words were as important but... they are, not having them, not hearing them is making me miserable and making me doubt that they will ever come and that we can ever be more than this. That you'll even let us be more than this. I want things in life John, and we have been doing this dace for years now. We're finally together, we've been completely together for a year now after putting Spencer Truman away for orchestrating your fathers murder and I just can't live with out them any longer."

"I...I... just can't"

"Is that it John, I can't, all you can say to me after this past year is I can't, I've been patient, I've seen you thru everything and patiently, and all I get is a I

Can't "

End flash back

"Natalie" Ron said as he walked over towards her, she came out of her state of remembrance

"How's Michael?" she asked as he approached her, he automatically went to her and put his arms around her.

"Marcie's in with him now, just wanted to make sure you 're alright," he asked and he now kissed her cheek gently, she gently pushed him back off of her.

"Ron, I'm working, " she told him and he looked around to make sure no one was watching them.

"I'm fine, I've gotta get back to work, just let me know how he is alright? And tell Marcie I'll be in as soon as I get a chance to." she told him and he moved away for a second and then came back. He brought his face close to her ear.

"I Love you," he told her and she grinned briefly, "I Love you too" she told him back and he walked back into the hospital.


	2. Chapter 2

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**Chapter 2**

"Got anything Honey " Bo asked as he approached her standing by the white outline of where Michael's body was, she was deep in thought and didn't hear him till he cleared his throat.

"I'm sorry Uncle Bo, no nothing, just trying to figure out how the man got Michael in the alley, it looks like he walked of his own free will" she said as she started walking the steps from the hospital exit over to the alley where he was actually attacked.

She stood up straight after a few minutes, brought her finger under her chin.

"Was Michael wearing his Dr's smock?" she asked Bo as she looked down at the ground, she saw something shiny, she grabbed a bag from her near by bag, and pick it up with her gloves on, she held it in front of her face, just staring at it. She continued to stare at it as Bo's phone went off, he moved away from her for a few minutes to take the call.

Bo came back a few minutes later and saw she had bagged the thing she was studying in her hands.

"So I take it he was wearing his Doctors over coat, and since he was already gone from the scene when I got here and of course I haven't checked the prelim reports yet. He was stabbed several times by a knife, who's tip I just recovered, so... lets figure out why he would go freely into the alley. Some one said they needed help, a doctor; Michael would have gone without thinking to help anyone. That's the type of person he is," Natalie said as she called one of her guys over, she gave him the bag with the evidence.

"Tell them at the lab, I said I want priority one on this one, this is personal for me, Got It? Good, call me when you have something, I'll be here checking on the Victim" she told her guy, one of her Forensics team, Natalie had three to four people that worked with her, for her, she had quickly moved up the forensics team within the last year and was good enough to be in charge of major crime scenes.

"Uncle Bo, I'll be in with Marcie, making sure Michael will be alright, call me if there's anything" she told him and he started to walk away, he turned back briefly

"That phone call...the one I just got... it was John, he got the message, he's on his way," he told her knowing things might be a bit tense for her with him here.

"That's good, he should at least be here for his brother, for Marcie, they might need him more now than ever" she told him and he walked away as she walked into the hospital.

"Hey, how is he, how's your sister?" she asked Ron as she approached him outside of Michaels room

"They just brought him back from surgery, he had massive internal bleeding and it took them some time to stop it but they did, now we just need for him to wake up, to make sure he's alright" Ron told her as he moved closer to her.

"Are you still working?" he asked and she nodded no, "I'm here for them now" she told him and he pulled her into his arms and held her.

"Where's the kid?" Natalie asked as she pulled out of his hold for a few seconds and looked at him.

"She's with your mom," he told her and she looked confused. "You mean my mom as Roxy?" she asked him shocked and he shook his head yes.

"I know, I know, but she was just staying with her till Jess got over there"

"Okay, now I feel a bit better" she told him as she smiled a bit. He noticed she seemed out of it, which he knew under the circumstances was normal, he knew she and Michael were close, they acted almost like siblings at times but there was something else.

"Whats up? You're a bit off" he told her and she shook her head no.

"Are you sure? Maybe it has to do with John, you know this should get him back in town" he told her and she started to walk away from him.

"Ask what you really want to ask Ron, don't candy coat it, you know I hate that" she told him, and prepared herself for what she knew was coming next.

"How do you feel about maybe seeing John again, after this past year?" he told her and she walked over by him again, she looked into his eyes.

"John McBain, doesn't have t he power to hurt me any longer. It'll be good if he comes and is here for his brother. God knows his brother has missed him and he needs him now but as for me and John, me seeing John... it's been a long year and you know I've gotten over him. Well, over him with a little help from a guy with a hot bod" she told him and then smiled up at him, she reached in and kissed him.

Almost six hours later Marcie, Ron, and Natalie were still waiting on Michael to wake. They were all exhausted. Ron and Natalie sat in the back of the room groggy when Ron decided to go get them some coffee to wake up. He briefly looked at his sister who was still sitting in the same spot holding her husbands hand then he walked out of the door and almost right into John McBain as he came around the corner of the hallway.

"John" Ron called to him as he saw him go over to the nurses station for info on Michael, john walked over to him.

"We're just waiting for him to wake up, he's in that room right there, Marcie's in with him, I'm going for coffee want any?" he asked him and John nodded his head no and then quickly proceeded to walk into Michael's room.

John walked into his brothers room, he was pale and hooked up to all sorts of machines, he saw Marcie with her head down on her and Michael's hands, he went over to her gently and put his hand on her back, he was unaware that Natalie was even in the room. Marcie looked up and she and John smiled weakly at each other as they started to speak quietly.

Natalie felt his presence the minute he walked in, a feeling came about her, a feeling she only got when he was near and she opened her closed eyes and saw him put his hand on Marcie's back. He looked good she thought, as good as someone could look who was just told his brother was almost killed, she heard them start to talk and she quietly rose from her chair and walked out of the room giving them there privacy.

John was talking to Marcie about what the Dr had told her about Michael when he felt a strange wave of nostalgia come over him, he looked briefly behind him to only catch a brief glimpse of her red hair as she left the room, he took a deep breath and quickly refocused on what Marcie was telling him.

"Hey, whats going on?" Ron asked as he saw her stand up against the wall outside of Michael's room, she had her eye' closed briefly and she opened them quickly when she heard Ron approach with Coffee.

"Nothing, John's here, thought I'd give them some privacy" she told him and he saw her face, a bit of hurt seem to pass thru it as she said John's name.

Natalie wasn't sure what she was feeling, he had been such an important part of her life for years before he left, before she told him she just couldn't wait around any longer. Why did it still feel like pain? Hurt? Why was she still feeling this way, she shook it off as Ron put the coffee down on the near by counter, he came closer and pulled her into his arms as her head came to his chest.

He was holding her right now, Ron, he was making her forget again, she contently laid her head on his chest, she took a deep breath and as she let it out, she released the hurt from last year when she saw John last.

"You okay now?" he asked her as he pushed her back a few feet off his chest. She smiled at him, and leaned in.

John had just finished up talking to Marcie and decided he wanted to look for her, Natalie, to see how she was. He walked outside Michael's room and didn't have to look far to find her. He saw her in Ron Walsh's arms, they were staring at each other and they seem to be coming out of a kiss maybe? He wasn't sure, as he stood frozen for a minute watching them till he saw Ron look up and see him. Ron backed Natalie up out of his grip gently and slowly as he realized the awkwardness of things.

Natalie felt Ron bring her slowly out of his embrace, she looked, and there was John, standing by Michaels door watching them intently. She realized the awkwardness of the situation, she looked at Ron one last time, and he leaned into her ear.

"I Love you, I'll be inside with my sister," he told her and she gave him a small smile.

"Me too" she said and he grabbed the coffee from the counter, handed her, hers and walked into Michael's room to be with Marcie, he passed right by John, the two men quickly glanced at each other as he passed and he was gone.

Natalie was beginning to walk away from him. She didn't need to go down memory lane with him, with her feelings for him. If there were any still left, she'd pretty much had fallen out of love with him the minute he walked out of Llanview and out of her life. She only hoped she wasn't telling herself a lie this past year and seeing him didn't rehash all that she use to hold inside for him.

"Hey" he said as he saw her back as she walked away from the room.

"Hey, its good you came for your brother," she told him as she slowly turned and saw him walk even closer to her. She stood and she looked into his eyes. She was almost mesmerized by them when he spoke again.

"Are you still at the LPD? Are there any leads on who did this?" he asked, he needed to know if they got this guy that hurt his brother or if they had any leads. His next questions however would be about her. About how she had been, and about Ron Walsh, but he talked himself out of asking them. This is how it had to be, nothing more. Just info on Michael and the bastard who hurt him.

"Yeah, I'm still there and no as of a few hours ago, no leads. I...I actually have to get into the station this morning and start follow up. Please tell Marcie I'll check in on Gabby for her and that I'll come back later, Thank you" she told him, wanting to get out of there quick. She didn't want anything else to come up. She had turned to walk away when she heard him speak again.

"I'll tell her, please keep me informed, " he told her and she never turned back around to face him.

"Thanks" she again thanked him and was on her way out of the hospital.

John stood outside his brothers room and watched her walk away, he felt it, it hurt, her acting as if he was a complete stranger almost, the awkwardness even hurt, he glanced into his brothers room and saw Ron with Marcie as she sat next to his brother.

He shook his head, he was always so afraid to lose her to something awful over the years, to even lose his brother. They, along with his mom, were the only people in his life that he loved but by being so afraid of that loss, and not being able to get over the loss of his dad, he just pushed them out of his life, and right into the life of Ron Walsh.

He started to walk around the halls a bit, not wanting to go in and see Michael. Not really feeling comfortable in the room with his sister in law and her brother. The brother in law to his, the man who seem to be close to not only his brother but to the woman he had loved for what seemed like forever. The woman he still to this day loved. He stopped by a wall, he leaned his back up against it and he remembered the last time he saw her, the last time they had spoken before today, he remembered why he did, why he left her, his brother, his home of over four years.

"I...I... just can't"

"Is that it John, I can't, all you can say to me after this past year is I can't, I've been patient, I've seen you thru everything and patiently, and all I get is a I Can't "

She had every right not to be patient; he had her waiting for the words that would never come from him, words he vowed not to ever say to anyone again after his father and Caitlin's death. He shook his head as he noticed Ron come out of his brother's room.

"I gave you a chance Natalie, I set you free, I couldn't give you what you needed and I couldn't hurt you any longer" he said softly to himself out loud as he watched Ron walk a bit closer.

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	3. Chapter 3

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**Chapter 3**

John watched as Ron walked over towards him.

"Hey, did Natalie leave?" Ron asked John, not see her anywhere.

"Yeah, she went back to the station, said she'd be back later" John told him as the two men sized each other up. Ron started to walk away when John stopped him.

"Can we talk for a few minutes, about Natalie?" John asked Ron and the two moved outside the terrace doors to speak.

"Well...you wanted to talk about Nat…Talk" Ron told him, the two of them stood in silence for a few more minutes, an awkward silence. John himself wasn't sure what he was going to say; he just thought something needed to be said, addressed.

"Natalie's always been special to me and...and…well, you two seem close, I just want to make sure... well... make sure you don't H--" John was trying to find the right words but it was hard, he just needed to know that this man, Ron Walsh wouldn't hurt her. That he was good for her.

"Hurt her? Is that what you were going to say? Cause I'd never hurt her, I'm not that kind of man, not ever with my fists or lack of words" Ron told John not roughly or arrogantly but calm and collected. John however was hit thru the heart with this last statement. John stood stunned for a few minutes as Ron watched his face.

"Listen John, I'm sure you're a good guy, from what Nat has told me about you, except for all that the two of you went thru emotionally she says you are a real good guy but... this really isn't any of your business. Natalie and I 's relationship isn't any of your business. In fact Natalie isn't any of you business at all. You left man. Left her, left your brother here and left town." Ron told John and again Ron's words pierced thru his heart.

"I just want to make sure she's alright, happy even," John told him

"Do you really want to know that? To make sure she's happy? Are you sure you can handle it if she is"

"All I've ever wanted was for her to be happy" John spat back, angry Ron's words

"Well she is. It took some time be she is happy. We're happy and we're in love, she and I. we love each other and we may even be getting married some time soon" he told John and that was what John said he wanted. He wanted her happy but... but why was he growing more and more jealous with Ron's words, why? Why was he getting a bit angry even, and why couldn't Ron stop his words at that sentence not the one that followed.

"I love her and she never doubts it. I tell her all the time so she knows I can say it, that I'm not afraid of it. And she says it back, over and over again, at some of the most amazing times." Ron told him as John got red in the face. He was envisioning Natalie and Ron exchanging I love you's in bed, while they were having sex, making Love. John closed his eyes briefly, shook his head to try and get the images of Natalie naked with Ron telling her he loved him out of his head. He crumpled up his fists and he wanted to punch something, punch Ron so bad. He counted to ten and reclaimed his control.

"Good, then she is happy. I just wanted to make sure" was all John could say as he headed back into the hospital and down the hall.

Natalie sat at her desk looking over the lab reports on the crime scene. She just about figured out the scenario on how he got to the alley. That someone claiming to be hurt lured Michael there. It was the only thing that seemed to make sense. She briefly closed her eyes and put her head down on her desk. After a few minutes she felt him, he was there, she looked up to her door, and he was standing at it staring at her.

"How long have you been standing there?" she asked him as he walked into her office. He looked around, it was nice, he smiled briefly, he was proud of her. She set her mind to it and she accomplished it, this was what she wanted before he left.

"Not long" he said and he smiled again," nice office" he told her

"Thank you, I like it," she told him as he walked to the two chairs that sat in front of her desk. He took a seat before she even offered it to him.

"If your here about the case, I don't have anything new yet" she told him and he flinched a bit. He wasn't sure why, he knew she would be all about business and nothing else. He hadn't seen or heard from her in a little over a year.

"Well... that and I just ...I just wanted to make sure you're okay, you've been okay" he told her a bit tongue-tied, it was so hard speaking to her, so awkward as of late.

"I'm fine. Don't I look like I'm been fine?" she told him with a bit of a snip to her voice. She was a bit annoyed that he would even ask something like that.

"I'm really not the one you have to worry about right now John, your brother needs your support" she told him not being able to hold it back. She needed to make sure he knew, knew Michael needed him here.

"I know, and yes to your other questions, you do look fine, just as strong as ever, but of course I knew that. You always were the strongest person I knew," he told her and she looked at him, she was about to open up her mouth and say something else when there was a knock on her door.

"Natalie, I've got the reports and break down on the metal tip from the scene"

"Thanks Jenkins bring it in, what type of knife was it from?"

"No knife" Jenkins told her as he noticed John there, he motioned to her to see if she wanted him to continue in front of the man

"Don Jenkins, John McBain, John use to be chief of Detectives here before you started" she introduced him and they shook hands. Don took a seat next to John in Natalie's chairs.

"So if it's not a knife, what did you match it with?" she asked him as John stood quiet and watched her, heard her. She really was good at this, then again, he knew she would be.

"A scalpel" he told her

"What? Like what surgeons use?" she asked and he nodded his head yes. Natalie started rummaging thru the files on her desk. She came to one file and started digging thru pictures; she found one picture in particular

"Would that scalpel make an entry wound like this one, the one from our first vic. last week." she asked as she handed him the picture, she got up from her seat and started to pace the floor as he continued to study the picture.

"So... this guy or girl, most likely a guy, lures his victims into the alley by stating he needs help, medical help, they go to help him, then he cuts them with a scalpel, Jenkins lets get all the facts for that scenario together and then lets see if we can come up with why? Why someone might want to hurt professionals leaving the hospital, and what maybe Michael McBain and Larry Andrew had in common." she told him and he was about to leave, she called back out to him.

"I'll be on my cell the rest of the day, call me when you have something, anything. Even if you don't think it'll pan out, it could be something," she told him and she watched him walk out of the door.

Natalie finally looked at John, he had been sitting there so quiet, to quiet she thought.

"John I'll keep you informed of the case," she told him dismissing him as she grabbed her files and her phone. She was headed towards the door when he grabbed her gently by her wrist and stopped her.

"Are you going to the hospital?" he asked her and he stared into her eye's that were now glaring at him.

"Let go of me John," she told him nicely, not wanting him to touch her, not anywhere. She didn't want to be reminded of his touch and how it made her feel. He slowly let go of her wrist.

"I'm sorry, I just wanted to get your attention before you walked out of the door" he told her and she relaxed a bit.

"Yeah, I'm off to check on Gabby first and then I'll go over to see if there's been any change in your brother." she told him and he was about to open up his mouth to speak when her cell phone went off. She didn't look at the ID before she answered it.

"Buchanan" she answered," hey, how is he? Has the doctor been in to see him? Okay, yeah, you know what I'm at the station and John is here. I'll tell him, that's good news right? What do you mean you aren't' sure? If he's awake, what? Seizures, brain damage but he was stabbed not...the concussion. Okay... No Ron, I'm fine, I'll be there in ten minutes, Bye," she told Ron, she closed up the phone and looked at John who had heard every word that she said.

"Michael's awake, their not sure if that's a good or bad thing yet. They have to run more tests, he could have some type of brain damage. I'm heading over there now to be with them, do...do you need a ride?" she asked not knowing why.


	4. Chapter 4

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**Chapter 4**

John and Natalie drove over to the hospital in silence. Neither knew what to say to the other, knew what to do to break the awkwardness. It was unbearable and Natalie couldn't handle much more of it as she started talking to him, friendly talk.

"So... my uncle says you went back to the FBI, how is that? Any interesting cases you can talk about?" she asked breaking the ice.

"Yeah, I work out of the NY office now, there's been a few weird cases but nothing major" he told her, not knowing how to casually talk with her. He saw her face, she was a bit disappointed that the conversation went nowhere that he didn't elaborate and move on from it.

A few more minutes passed and they were about to pull into a parking spot at the hospital. Natalie parked the car and she turned to him before getting out. He saw her turn and he to didn't move out of the car either.

"John... before we see your brother... I need to tell you something, something about Michael... You hurt him bad when you left, the way you just left. I mean your niece was about to be born any day and you just up and leave like you did, not telling anyone, it hurt him bad. The way you went about things... Michael wasn't the only one you hurt so deep," she told him and she quickly got out of the car, not looking at him. He didn't follow her for a few minutes.

John heard her words; he closed his eye's as she left him in the car. She told him how much he hurt them; hurt his brother by not being around for him in such an important time in his life. She also told him how much he had hurt her. He had already known how much he hurt her but just her saying it stunned him a bit. John was so sure, so positive, even after speaking with Ron earlier that she had moved on and wasn't still hurting inside from him and his mistakes. He shook his head and started getting out of the car to catch up to her.

"Ron" Natalie said as she walked into the hospital and towards Michael door.

Ron was standing outside of the room leaning up against the wall. As soon as he heard her he smiled weakly and walked over to her. He put his arms out and pulled her in by her waist resting his head in her hair as he let her just hold him.

"Whats wrong? Did the doctors say something?" Natalie asked realizing he needed to be close to her. He held on to her and she comforted him.

John walked towards Michael's room a few feet behind her, he saw them as he turned the corner towards Michael's room, she was holding him, he was holding her, comforting each other, something they use to do. Something he used to love doing. When he heard her ask Ron what was wrong he looked and listened on intently to see if it had anything to do with Michael.

"The Doctors in with him now. Its Marcie, she's not taking this waiting to see stuff so well. I hate seeing her like this, I'm so glad you're back" he told her as he pulled out of the embrace. He looked into her eyes and then he leaned in gently and kissed her

John heard Ron's words and then he saw the kiss, a kiss between two people in love. He walked closer to them and cleared his throat.

Natalie was kissing Ron back as she got an uneasy feeling come upon her. 'An almost a guilty feeling' she thought as she felt John's presence and then heard him clear his throat.

"I'm sorry to interrupt but is there something wrong with my brother?" he asked, starting to feel jealous again.

"Sorry, no. He was awake for a few minutes but he didn't speak and then he just closed his eye's and went back to a sleep state" Ron told John as Natalie moved completely out of Ron's hold. An action that Ron didn't miss.

Natalie started to walk away a few feet, she didn't like this feeling, as if she shouldn't be so close to Ron, shouldn't be touching him while John was around. The two men stood and waited outside Michaels door for the doctors to come out. The three of them were silent for a few minutes when Natalie's phone went off.

Natalie answered it quickly and it was Bo.

"What? Right here in the back of the building. I'll be right there," she told him and looked up at the men.

"Ron, I've gotta go, work' she told him and he leaned in and kissed her quickly on the mouth.

"I'm gonna make Marcie take a break and get some sleep tonight. I'll meet you at your place"

"I'll probably be late"

"That's okay. If I'm a sleep you know how to wake me" he told her with a smirk as she walked away. She got a few feet away and she turned to John.

"Good night John" she said. She kept walking when he went after her a few feet.

"Is there another victim?" he asked and she nodded her head

"I want in on this case, I can't stand feeling helpless," he told her and she looked into his eyes, they stared at each other for a few minutes.

"John, you really need to be here for your brother. Anyway you aren't a cop in Llanview any longer"

"There's not much I can do for Michael right now, not till he wakes up. I want to see this guy put away" he told her

"Its not up to me, that's up to Bo. I really have to get going" she told him and started to walk away. He put a hand on her arm to stop her. It did stop her; she froze as if it burned yet she couldn't pull away from it.

John didn't have to say a word; he just had to stare into her eye. she nodded her head and he walked next to her out of the hospital.

Ron Walsh watched as they left the hospital together, he saw the exchange of stares, he sighed heavily as he went into the room to be with Marcie.


	5. Chapter 5

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**Chapter 5**

Natalie walked outside of the hospital as John walked along side her, neither saying a word. They glanced at each other a few times but no words.

They came to the crime scene and Natalie motioned to one of the officers that it was all right for John to be there. Slowly they walked closer to the vic lying on the ground. Natalie grabbed into her purse and pulled out a set of latex gloves, put them on and squatted down by the Victims body.

John watched as she seemed to be studying the victim intently. He watched her turn the victim slightly and she saw the cuts to the Dr's throat, she already knew it was a doctor, she could tell. He had his Dr's coat on and that was most likely the reason why he was killed, her theory from earlier was playing out. This sicko was targeting Dr's at Llanview Hospital for whatever reason. A reason she knew they had to figure out, and soon.

Bo approached the scene and saw John.

"Hey John" Bo said, greeting John and then shook his hand

"Bo" John said as they both smiled weakly at the other and turned to see Natalie once again looking over the victim. She stood in thought and called out to an officer.

"Sneider, who was the first person to go over the Vic?"

"Rodgers" the officer said and Natalie nodded her head, "Send him here. I have a few questions," she told him as she walked away a bit to talk to Rodgers. After a few minutes she began canvassing the area again.

John walked around the scene himself, doing the same as she, evaluating things, trying so desperately to come up with something anything. An hour or so passed and they both seemed to be so caught up in their own heads, thoughts, and scenarios that while walking back and forth they just ran into each other.

"Oh…Sorry" Natalie told him, not seeing him walking in her path and ran right into him. He blinked for a second as he felt their bodies collide. It froze him as it happened.

"No, I'm sorry it's your crime scene. I should've been more careful," he told her and she smiled briefly. She looked into his eyes and she vowed never to look into them again. She stared for what seemed like eternity but was only a matter of minutes.

John stared back into her beautiful blue eyes. Those beautiful eyes that he loved to look into so much. He missed them, he thought, her eyes, her. He saw she couldn't seem to break away from the hold his eye's had on her, and deep down inside of him he didn't want her to. Their staring was like old times, it felt right.

"Ms. Buchanan?" and officer asked and knew he was breaking up sometime but he had a job to do. Natalie blinked and she regained her senses as her eye's moved from his.

" I need you to sign off on some of this evidence," the officer asked and she gave him a nod as she walked away with him.

John stood a few feet away from her as she spoke with the officer. He smiled, damn! How was it she looked even more beautiful after all this time. He saw her finish and look over to him, she saw him staring.

"Good Night John" she told him as she walked closer to him

"Are you going to the station?"

"No, nothing to do there till the coroners done his job and the reports are in" She told him as she started slowly walking away towards the hospital.

John walked a few feet behind her as she entered the hospital. He knew she was probably going to see his brother. For some reason they seemed to have become even better friends since he was gone, since he left. John didn't say a word and he saw her look into his room.

Natalie knew he was behind her but she wanted to make sure Michael was all right before she went home for the night. She looked into the window of his room; Marcie and Ron had obviously left. Which was a good thing; they both needed some rest. She continued to look in on him as she felt John's breath on her.

"He's lucky, huh? I mean to have you as such a good friend. You certainly are one of the most loyal people I've ever known," he asked her and she turned confused for a minute.

"Loyal?" she asked him and he shook his head.

"Yeah, you were always loyal to me. Someone I could always count on and that I knew was there for me when I needed someone" he told her and she was sucked in. she wasn't sure what exactly she was feeling, his soft tone was making her weak at the knees but his words just weren't right. She knew she should just keep her mouth shut but she just couldn't.

"Yeah, I was loyal. I was there for you, too much. I put myself on the line, my heart out there for you time and time again" she said and she paused for a second. She wasn't sure if she should go on or not.

"It's funny..." she made a small chuckle" after all this time, I figured you probably looked back sometime over this past year at least once, or maybe you didn't. But... its funny... of all the things you remember, you remember I was loyal." she said and she started walking away from him. She walked over by some chairs a few feet away from Michael's room and she sat down, pulling her arms around her chest protectively.

"Its not the only thing I remember Natalie. I remember it all, every little bit. Its actually those memories that I hold deep inside still to this day."

"Yeah, well...the memories that I have. They're not such fond ones. I try not to relive them, or to remember them much, and you know why" she told him and he now sat next to her in the chairs.

"Yeah, I know why and I'm still sorry. I really didn't mean to cause you any pain," he told her

"Really? Cause it seems like you did quite a few times. Actually... it's probably my fault. I stuck around so long. It was probably just my mistake for caring so much about you. I think it blinded me to the fact that you were incapable of love for me. My mistake for thinking if I loved you enough, showed you that you deserved love, that you would be smart enough and realize it someday but...I..." Natalie was cut off by his words

"It wasn't you, you didn't make any mistakes. It was me, my mistake for leaving you and Michael. For not telling you things I should have," he told her and she finally after all this time looked over at him, she looked into his eyes quickly, and they were a bit watery. She looked away not wanting to get sucked in, not wanting to do this any longer. She shook her head clear.

"It sounds like you may regret things with you brother and... If that's true than this is your chance to make it right, to undo some of those mistakes" she told him as she stood. She walked again near Michaels door and looked in.

"Maybe I'll get the chance to undo all my mistakes," he told her. He put his hands on her shoulders and gently turned her to face him.

Natalie heard his words and she knew what he was implying. She felt the electricity run thru her body as he turned her but she needed to ignore it. Staring into his eyes she knew she needed to be strong. She wasn't that same person any longer. She wasn't the person that had loved him so much before. She had moved on from him and was in love with someone else. She saw him lean into her mouth; place a gentle kiss on her lips.

John knew he shouldn't kiss her. She had been hurt so much by him already in the past. She had moved on, just like what he wanted for her. She was happy and was in love with someone else but he just couldn't help it. He couldn't be this close and not taste her, not feel her lips. He leaned in and gave her a gentle but sensual kiss on the lips.

"You can't just do this to me now John. I won't let you," she told him softly, almost a whisper as she pulled out of his kiss.

"I know," he said back softly as they continued to stand with in inches of each other, staring.

"I'm with someone else. I'm in love with him," she told him and her words would have stung a few minutes ago but they didn't at this moment. Not after he kissed her, not after he felt what he was sure she felt. That same connection they always had, was still there.

"And you're happy, I know that. I'm happy for you, that's all I've ever wanted for you" he told her and she got a bit teary. They started staring for a few minutes as he noticed a piece of hair fall in front of her face and John couldn't not touch it, not move it. He gently raised his hand and pushed it behind her ear.

Natalie couldn't take her eye's off of him, she wanted to, but she just couldn't. Finally she formed words.

"I need to get home to Ron," she told him and before she was able to start walking they heard Ron's voice.

"No you don't. I'm right here," Ron said as he walked a bit closer to them.


	6. Chapter 6

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**Chapter 6**

"Ron, I thought you took Marcie home to get some sleep then went home," she asked him. As she moved away from John she wondered just how much Ron had seen or heard of her conversation with john.

"I did. I was at your place waiting for you when Marcie called and said she left her purse in Michael's room. I decided to come get it for her, thought maybe I'd still find you near the crime scene. I thought maybe I could convince you to come home sooner rather than later and get some rest yourself," he told her as he looked at her. She looked guilty or something.

Natalie saw Ron's suspicious face and then she saw him look between her and John.

"Was I interrupting something?" he asked as he focused on her face

"No, nothing, I was just checking on Michael quick before I was headed home to you. John I think was doing the same thing, right John?" she said. Then she gave John a quick look and he nodded his head that Natalie was right.

"Good, then let me get Marcie's purse and we can head home. I think you and I need a little time to rest and relax," he said as he went into the room for Marcie's purse. Natalie walked over by John quickly.

"Never kiss me again and don't ever bring it up again"

"Why? Do you not want the man you love to know I kissed you? Are you going to lie to him" John said a bit cocky. He didn't know why, he did want her to be happy, to be with someone who could tell her he loved her. But just Ron's presence, just him near her was actually making him jealous, and he knew he really had no right to be.

"I don't lie to Ron but…but I won't ruin what I've found with him and definitely not because of you" she told him as Ron walked out of the room with Marcie's bag.

"All set?" she asked Ron he shook his head, "Good let's get home for some rest. Good night John" she said and she took Ron's hand, holding it as they left John standing outside Michael's room

John watched her walk away with Rona and shook his head. He clenched his fist and knowing he was wrong to be jealous but didn't know how to control it. He was confused, now more then ever. He walked into Michael's room and took a seat next to his bed.

"Sorry Michael, I'm sorry I wasn't here for you, to see your daughter born. I know how much that day must have meant to you. I'm really sorry for all the shit I've put you thru, I missed you bro. I mean it I missed you. I...I only left because…well because I felt like a failure. I could barely be there for you with anything you needed. I couldn't give Natalie what she needed. I just couldn't go on hurting the two people that meant everything to me. I just...oh, I don't know. I just thought you both deserved better I--"

"They deserved you John" Eve said as she opened the door quietly and heard him talking to his brother. John turned and saw his mother. He slowly rose from the chair, walked to her, laid his head on her shoulder, and hugged her tight.

"Mom, when did you get here?" he asked, stepping away from her a bit.

"Just a few minutes ago, Marcie called me and I got off that damn ship, and it was about time too. It seems both my boys are a bit of a mess, aren't they?" she asked him. He walked away from her for a minute.

"Michael is the one who's hurt, he needs you here. I'm glad you came," he told her, leaning against the wall as Eve sat in the chair next to Michael's bed.

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"Not now Ron, I'm really tired," Natalie told him when they got into bed.

"Natalie, I know you. You're never that tired" he told her with a smirk and started kissing her neck.

"No Ron, really, not tonight. I don't have the energy," she told him somewhat sternly and he looked at her. She was different some how and he knew it. He moved his body away from hers and settled in for the night.

Morning

"John... John...John..." Natalie said breathing heavy in her sleep, she said his name out loud at least ten times as Ron woke to the sound of it. He sat up quickly at her mention of John's name and then lowered himself to her body. He gently kissed her trying to wake her when she reacted to his kiss, she pulled his body closer and started kissing him back as she started to wake up some. She heard him say her name and she froze her actions as she opened her eyes.

Natalie opened her eye's to see she was starting to make love to Ron, not John, who had been in her head as she slept, in her mind.

Ron realized all her actions stopped. He had thought if he started making love to her she would realize it was him, the one that loved her. That he could help to get John out of her mind but... but she just stopped when she realized it wasn't John. Ron knew what this meant. he watched her face as he started to get out of bed.

"Ron" Natalie said realizing that he knew what she must have been thinking about while kissing him, while touching him a few minutes ago. A few minutes before she stopped. Ron just looked at her as he started throwing his clothes on.

"Its because of him isn't it," Ron asked, watching her to get out of bed and start dressing "the reason you won't make love to me? He hits town and all of a sudden you...you can't, you won't even" he told her looking into her blue eye's, her watery blue eyes.

"Ron, no. That's not it. It's…it's everything. I'm stressed, the case, Michael still being in critical condition. You know how close he and I are"

"Are you talking about Michael or John? You know Natalie, I'm not stupid, I heard who's name you were calling out in your sleep, and who you thought for a minute there you were starting to make love to, you're still in love with him" he told her and she was finished with her clothes, she stood in front of him, stared into his eye's

"No, I'm not that's not true, it's not" she told him a bit softly as she watched his eye's

"You may not realize it, you may not even want to be, but you are, you're still in love with him"

"All this time I thought, I thought if I gave you the words, the words he couldn't give, you'd love me just the seem maybe more but you don't you never have" Ron told her softly but getting his point across, he knew this would be a losing battle, a battle he wouldn't win.

"That's not fair, you know I love you'

"Yeah, actually I do, but...the... your love for him, the way you love him. It's different, more intense. You don't love me like that. No matter how many times I tell you, reassure you that I love you, its just something you can't give me. You can't love me the same way you love John McBain" he told her as she realized what he was doing, he was throwing in the towel, she weakly smiled with tears in her eye's as she began her next words.

" So what do you want from me? Huh? I don't want to still be in love with him after all this time. I don't want to have this connection to him. I just do. I want to be with you," she told him trying so desperately to reassure him that she he loved him too. Although deep down inside she knew it wasn't the same, her love for him, for anybody, it could never be t he same as for John.

"Maybe you brain wants to be with me but you heart doesn't" he told her glassy eyes as he walked away from her towards her door.

"Then this is goodbye, just like that," she said as she walked quickly after him

"Yeah... I guess, yeah...just like that," Ron said as he walked out the door leaving her standing there.

Hospital

"John... wake up son" Eve told John as he slept in the back of Michael's room in a chair.

"What time is it?" John asked, yawning.

"Seven thirty. Why don't we go get some coffee from the cafeteria, and you can tell me about Natalie?" Eve told him and he just looked at her. He got up but didn't say a word. They walked out into the hall and John turned to her.

"I don't want to discuss Natalie, we need to focus on Michael" John told her as they walked.

"Fine John. Then lets talk about why you feel like such a failure. Why you feel like you let your brother and Natalie down," Eve said when she saw his face. He got a bit upset

"I said I don't want to talk about Natalie," he told her again as they both turned to see Ron Walsh walking by them.

"How's Michael?" Ron asked as he approached

"The same, Oh, I'm sorry Mom, this is Ron, Marcie's brother and Natalie boyfriend." he told his mother so she would understand some things.

"Nice to meet you Mrs. McBain" Ron said as he shook her hand

"So your Marcies' brother and you're seeing Natalie" Eve said sizing him up

"Yes, I'm Marcies' brother but I'm no longer Natalie's boyfriend" he said more for John's benefit then Eve's, he even looked at John when he said it.

John heard his words and was confused and a bit excited at the same time. He looked at Ron and wondered what had changed from last night. They went home together late last night and now this morning he wasn't with her any more? His confused look actually changed to a smirk as he thought it must have been the kiss; she broke up with Ron because of the kiss.


	7. Chapter 7

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**Chapter 7**

A few minutes after Ron made his big announcement about no longer seeing Natalie he excused himself. John and Eve again started towards the Cafeteria for Coffee.

"So... Natalie and her boyfriend, they aren't together any longer. I take it this is news to you?" Eve asked John, who was still deep in thought.

"What?" he asked, confused cause he was only half listening to her. He had been too caught up in thoughts of Natalie breaking things off with Ron Walsh and she must have realized that. That kiss last night was something, meant something. To him it meant they were still connected.

"Johnny, I could tell by the look on your face when Ron said he and Natalie were no longer that it took you be surprise. Why?" Eve asked

"I just didn't know. They were together last night after we kissed and I---"

"The two of you kissed?" Eve asked casually, cutting off his words, a huge smirk on her face.

"Mom, don't read to much into it. The kiss between Nat and I... I'm sure it meant nothing. It probably had nothing to do with why Nat broke up with Ron," he told her, but he wasn't that sure that it wasn't the truth. He also hadn't realized that Natalie was standing behind them as they entered the cafeteria.

"You're perfectly right John. That kiss we shared had nothing to do with why Ron and I are taking a break from each other" she told him sternly as he turned at the first sound of her voice.

"Nice to see you Eve" she said, kissing Eve's cheek

"Nice to see you too, Natalie. It's been a long time. How's tricks?" she asked. She couldn't help but smile at Natalie, Natalie smiled back.

"Things are good, thank you. How's Michael today?" she asked, not surprised Eve answered no change.

"Well, I've gotta get to work. Just had to check my crime scene today, I'll be by to check in again on Michael later. Eve, it was good seeing you again" she told them and she started to walk away quickly, John watched her walk away as Eve leaned into his ear.

"What are you waiting for?"

"Huh?"

"Go after her, don't let her get away this time. You probably wont be getting another chance" Eve told him and he wasted no time running after her.

"Natalie" he said, finally catching up to her and she turned to see him a bit out of breath.

"What do you want John?" she asked, Not stopping. He put his hand out and stopped her from walking and she became slightly annoyed.

"I don't have time for this John. I have to get my shit together so we can catch this bastard that almost killed your brother," she told him, trying desperately to get around him. He wouldn't let her and she was got mad. Not only did he just come back to town, bring up all these old feeling she had for him, but he just cost her a good man that Loved her. A man that expressed his love to her verbally, which was a hell of a lot more then John had done for her. The thought just made her more and more angry with him.

"John...I really need t--" she started, but was cut off when he claimed her lips with his own. He was kissing her! At first she was shocked, standing completely frozen as he moved his lips gently over hers then she started kissing him back. They kissed for a minute then the warning voice in her head went off, screaming about all he had cost her, about all the pain he caused her. She jerked away from him violently and slapped him in the face, hard.

The minute John felt her lips under his he wanted her, badly. He wasn't thinking, he just knew she wasn't another mans now; she could maybe be his again. He wanted her to be his again. He felt the stinging slap a second after she pulled away, put his hand to his face, and winced in pain.

"Still have a mean slap I see," he told her as he looked at her. She wasn't speaking for a moment

"I told you last night not to do that again and I meant it. Next time I'll have you arrested," she told him. He just looked at her and smirked. She always was so beautiful when she was mad, usually at him.

"Get that Fucking smirk off your face McBain! Take care of your brother and leave me alone" she told him, storming off.

John watched her walk out to her car and get in. he was still holding his face and smirking. He shook his head knowing he could still get to her and walked back towards Michael's room in the hospital.

Natalie walked into her office at the station, still pissed. Who the hell was he to kiss her like that? To kiss her after he knew Ron and her broke up? How did he even know? She asked herself, she heard someone clear there throat as she tried desperately to concentrate on helping find the killer.

"Natalie, the Chief said to give you these reports. He said that he'd be here in a few minutes to go over things with you" Ann, her uncle's assistant, told her. Natalie nodded and Ann left after handing her the reports.

Natalie started going over the reports, looking at pictures. There has got to be something they missed. Something to find this guy. And they really needed find it quick. The killer's pattern, so far, had him killing at random times. She told herself. After a few minutes Carl walked into Nat's office.

"So Ms. Buchanan, you find anything for my guys to go on in those reports there?" Carl asked her, a bit abruptly. Carl was an ass and no one liked him. He had taken over John's job when he left and John's shoes were very hard to fill. Actually Carl wasn't half the Chief John was. He was lazy, obnoxious, he wanted Forensics, particularly her, to do most of the shit that his department should be doing.

"You know what Chief, I've told you before, it's technically not my job to walk you thru this. Coming up with things, and finding the killer is your job. Forensics is supposed to gather and analyze the evidence and give scenarios not solve the crime for you. In this particular case I want this guy found and put away ASAP for personal reasons so I'll do everything I have too to see to it he is. But... after this case you and I... We will be having a sit down with the commissioner to discuss things." Natalie told him and he just smiled a bit, Natalie however didn't break her serious face.

"Now Chief since I just got these reports a few minutes ago, if you give me a little time with them I'll get back to you if I find anything of importance" she told him and he just smiled and walked out of her office.

Natalie again started looking over the reports. She spent the whole day looking over the reports, barely taking time for lunch or dinner. She did however call the Hospital to find out about Michael. He was the same, in a coma. If he didn't come out of it soon the Dr's said he might errantly be in one and that he could even die from some type of compilations.

Natalie started to feel tired. It was now almost ten o'clock and she still hadn't found anything in those damn reports. No leads, no nothing, and she laid her head down on her desk not looking up when she heard Carl's voice.

"Natalie... I'm leaving. I have a few days off, call me with anything you need... are you awake?" he asked and she nodded, still keeping her head down on the desk.

"You're exhausted, go home or at least go get some rest on the couch in my office" he told her and then was out the door. Natalie looked up after he left. She wondered why and how he could just take off now. Now, just when they had an important case on their hands. "Asshole" she said as she got up and walked toward his office to go rest on the couch.

Natalie walked into his office and she looked around. A wave of nostalgia ran thru her body; she used to spend so much time in this office, John's office. Not only working on cases for that one year that they were together but. She thought as she smiled and lay on the couch they had even made love a few times in this office. On the desk, the couch, hell even the chair. She closed her eye's almost remembering the happier times with John.

John walked into the station, wanting to see her. He had spent the whole day with his family at the hospital waiting for Michael to wake up and it wasn't happening, he was getting more and more upset with things, with Michael being hurt and with the way things were left with her earlier. John figured he'd use the excuse of wanting to know what was going on in the case for the visit, so he wouldn't piss her off more. He knew Natalie and he knew she'd still be here at this hour.

John started passed his old office when he stopped by the door. He saw the light was off and he walked in turning the light on and looked around. It depressed him more as he walked towards the desk, his old desk. There were someone else's pictures on his desk, right in the spot where he used to have a picture of Natalie and a picture of him and Michael. He shook his head, disgusted with himself for making the mistake of throwing this away. He had thrown a job he loved away. He would forever regret throwing them away, the two people he loved most in this world, Michael and Natalie.

He laughed a low bitter laugh as he remembered her words to him once.

'Someone took your dads life but you're just throwing yours away with both hands'

'She was so damn smart, wasn't she?' he asked himself, case that was exactly what he did, he threw his life away, he threw away his job, his relationship with his brother, her. He could almost feel the tears build up a bit in his eye's as he pushed them away. He skimmed his fingers over the desk as he closed his eyes and could almost feel her, feel her skin. He remembered how they made love on this very desk a few times, he opened his eyes, he looked at the chair, and even that chair he told himself. Then he thought about them making love on his couch and how they would just hold each other afterwards till the morning. He looked over towards the couch and he blinked a few times.

John saw her sleeping so peacefully on the couch, curled up with her head resting on her hands as she slept on her side, her legs pulled up into her stomach. She was on the very edge of the oversized couch, the way he remembered her always sleeping as he held her from behind. She seemed to be in a deep sleep. He needed to hold her, to feel the way she made him feel, the feeling of peacefulness and safeness that he hadn't even realized he felt with her till he left.

John walked over towards the light switch, turned it off, and then walked back to the couch. He gently laid himself behind her on the couch trying not to wake her, gently placed his hands around her waist, and pulled her to him. John fell asleep, content for the first time in the year since he had left Llanview.


	8. Chapter 8

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**Chapter 8**

Bo Buchanan was walking towards his office when he saw a bunch of his officers huddling around his Chief's office. They were looking into the office with smiles on their faces and whispering among themselves. The female officers had huge smiles on and he was curious as to what was keeping his officers from their jobs. He quietly walked over to them.

"Is everyone on break?" he asked as they all turned and saw him. Their smiles faded and they all scuttled off to work, leaving the doorway of the office. Bo walked over to the doorway to see what everyone had been looking at. He looked inside and a huge smile formed on his face.

Bo saw them, John and Natalie on the couch snuggled up blocking the outside world out. He loved his niece and he was fond of John. Although he hurt Natalie a few to many times he always believed in him, in them actually. He was their biggest fan at times. He sighed hoping this time, just maybe, this time they could find there way back to each other and it would be worth all the past pain and mistakes. That maybe this time things would be right for them.

Bo closed the door to the office gently not to make another sound, walked away, and over to Ann.

"Don't let anyone bother them. They both could use the rest," he told her and she smiled at him.

Natalie started to stir, she moved a bit, feeling like she had just had the best nights sleep in her life she started to wake more when she felt arms around her, strong arms, longer arms than Ron's. She felt a breath on her neck and next thing she knew she heard his words.

John felt her stirred and he didn't remove his arms. Obviously they both spent the night asleep, content in each other's arms, like old times. He leaned his mouth close to her ear.

"Morning" he told her with still closed eyes as he felt her start to squirm.

"What the Hell!" she said as she quickly started to move out of his grip. Although a wonderful grip, a wonderful feeling, she wouldn't go down this road again with him. She was actually a bit pissed that he took it upon himself to lay down with her.

Natalie's quick actions and her anger caused her to start to fall off the couch. John tried to reach for her but by the time he realized she was falling he couldn't get to her. He she fell on her ass on the floor and he couldn't keep his laughter in.

"What the He--, Who the He--" she said as she started to get herself up quickly. He stood and reached out a hand to her but she refused to take it, she pushed his hand abruptly away and he got the point.

"I'm getting a little tired of this shit John, you just can't take it upon yourself to lay down with me on this couch, not on any couch" she told him and he was about to open up his mouth to apologize when she spoke again.

"What are you doing? Are you trying to get me to be with you again so you can hurt me again? I just don't understand you. These few stunts you've pulled, do you even understand them? Do you know why you're doing them?" she asked him, she was mad but she was more confused than angry. He said he wanted her to be happy. He said that was all he wanted yet he kissed her twice, and now snuggled with her all night.

Natalie saw him silent for a few minutes and then she shook her head.

"Same John, still can't quite find the words" she told him and was about to walk out of the door of the office when he grabbed her wrist and made her turn to him.

"That's not true, I'm not the same," he told her as he held her wrist tight. She didn't like his actions or his current words very much.

"Let go of me" she told him not too harsh at first but then when he shook his head no, she wanted to explode

"I said let go of me. Now!"

"No, not till we figure some stuff out. Not till I tell you that I missed you," he told her and she softened for a bit but then got mad again.

"You missed me isn't going to cut it John, maybe along time ago I would've been happy with those words, those feeling from you, but never again. I found someone who gives me more than you ever could," she told him and he stepped back a bit releasing her wrist.

"Really, then where is he Natalie, cause last I heard you and He aren't together any longer, don't deny it Nat, you left him cause it wasn't fair to him. It wasn't fair that you still loved me."

"In your dreams McBain. Not anymore. And for your information, he left me, not because he didn't love me or that he knew I didn't love him but because he saw us stare a few times. He doesn't think I can care for him the same way I cared for you. He's delusional, cause I can and I do care for him so much more," she told him as he stared down his now heated gaze.

"Prove it" John told her and she got confused for a moment

"What?" she asked him

"Prove it, kiss me and then tell me you don't care for me anymore. Kiss me passionately like you use to and then tell me how much you love him"

"That's ridiculous, I won't do no such thing, leave me alone you ass," she said and she walked out of the office and out of the station

John watched her walk off; he too was just as confused as she was. He knew why he left, and he knew why he never came back before now. He knew that if he saw her, he just couldn't help himself, just like this. To be so close to her to be in the same town, and not be with her, that would drive him crazy. But John knew this wasn't fair, he knew it, and he knew if he couldn't give her what she wanted, what she needed he should stop being so selfish and just leave her be. Leave her to be happy and in love with Ron Walsh. Leave her to have a life with him, marry him, have his kids, and grow old with him.

John hadn't even realized it but his fists were tight. His face was steamed and he wanted desperately to punch something. He closed his eyes and then reopened them to see Bo standing in front of him.

"John" Bo said as he saw the man start to relax a bit.

"Bo"

"You know you can't blame her for being mad " Bo told him and John gave him a weak smile. It was obvious Bo saw her storm off or even over heard their conversation.

"I know I really screwed up by just up and leaving town the way I did." John told him as he watched the older gentlemen, a man that he admired so much. He saw something was on his mind and he knew it was coming.

"Can I ask you something?" Bo asked Him, John nodded yes.

"Have things changed, have you changed? I know its none of my business but... well you know how I feel about Natalie." Bo asked him and wasn't sure himself if the man standing in front of him had changed or not. He could be showing a few signs of change or were they just signs of regret?

"The honest truth" John asked as he walked around a bit. Bo nodded his head "I don't really know...I mean... I know I haven't felt half as good this past year as I feel being in the same room with her, even if she's mad at me" he told Bo and he stopped pacing when he heard Bo's next words.

"Have you tired telling her that?"

"I have just a little but that's just not going to cut it, and I know it" John told him and he heard the next words and he wasn't sure how to answer at first.

"Do you want her back?" Bo asked pointedly, he watched as John thought over his answer, at first Bo thought hesitation but then... then he realized that John was just picking his words wisely.

"I would give anything to turn back the clock and have never left her, never left by brother even, Llanview" John said as he again watched Bo.

"So...It sounds like you have a few things to make up for, how are you going to do it?" Bo asked and John just shook his head, almost disgusted with himself because he didn't have any idea.

"I don't have a clue"

"Well I think maybe you should figure it out and soon" Bo told him as he watched him; he was drifting off to somewhere else in his mind

"Yeah, and soon" John said


	9. Chapter 9

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**Chapter 9**

Natalie was in the Lab, bags of evidence spread out all over the counter as she continued to get discouraged looking over everything. Nothing was standing out to her, nothing. The bagged evidence was everyday things that could have been left by anyone in an alley, a cigarette butt, a beer bottle, some candy wrappers, a newspaper, junk...Garbage she thought.

"Damn it! " she said loudly "nothing to go on" she said, scrunched over the only clear part of the counter and laid her head down for a second when she heard him.

"Maybe a fresh pair of eyes could help," he told her and she looked up from the counter. She didn't have the energy right now to be mad. She needed to help find this guy before someone else, before another Dr got hurt like Mikey. She was about to say something to him when he spoke first.

"I promise, no funny business, I just want to help, if I can," he told her and she nodded. She knew he had a lot invested in this case. Especially with one of the victims being his brother. She also knew how good he was. He was the best cop she had ever seen, and what ever happened between them personally, he was good at his job.

John started to look over the bagged articles on the counter. They didn't talk as she gave him free reign to everything she had. He saw her watching him intently for a few minutes but ignored it. He ignored the feeling of wanting t o just meet her gaze, he said no funny business, and he meant it. He was here to help her catch a killer.

"Seems like you got a bunch of junk here, don't you, nothing to really go on, some disgusting candy wrappers and an old newspaper" he told her and she was about to say something when she paused and got a puzzled look on her face.

"An old newspaper" she said then went over to the paper in the bag. John stood behind her as she took it out gently with her gloves on and started to flip thru it.

"October sixth, almost seven months ago" she said, studying the paper.

"Look, there's a page ripped out. Its the obituaries page" Natalie said after a moment, figuring out what page was missing by looking at the table of contents

" It was planted there b--" Natalie started to say when John finished her thought.

"By the killer" John said and they looked into each other's eyes. Natalie even smiled weakly at him and after a few minutes broke eye contact. She grabbed her phone and called one of the Detectives in the other part of the station.

"Bruce, can you get me a copy of the obit's for October 6Th" she told him and then hung up the phone.

John went back over by the bagged evidence on the counter. He started studying each and every piece of garbage looking for something odd, looking for anything that might not belong.

Natalie started walking towards John, they were on to something...she knew it. She could feel it. A second later they both heard his cell phone go off. She approached him just as he answered it.

Natalie saw him and heard him answer Hello but then she saw all the color go out of his face. As his face blanched Natalie got nervous. She became even more anxious when Jon simply hung up with out saying anything, seemingly unable to form words.

"Is it Michael?" she asked and he nodded. He looked frozen, petrified. She took his hand and lead him towards the door, guided him in her car and they drove the few blocks to the hospital to see for themselves how bad Michael was.

No words were spoken and when Nat's car stopped at the Hospital John got out and started walking into the hospital, it Michael. As soon as they approached the area outside his room they saw everyone sitting and standing around.

Natalie feared the worst right now, everyone looked horrified. Marcie had Gabby in her arms and the almost one-year old was trying to wiggle out. She saw John's pale face as he went to his mom and they embraced. She also saw Ron standing near Marcie and Gabby. Ron saw her and went over to her to explain what happened.

"Don't Natalie… he just had a minor set back. He had a seizure. They don't know anything else" Ron told her and he took her hand, he couldn't help it. He pulled her to his chest and held her close. She went willingly, needing to be held, needing to be comforted.

John finished speaking with his mom just in time to see Natalie and Ron embracing. Then he saw Natalie along with Ron walk over and take Gabby from Marcie to give her a break.

"Marcie... I'll take her from you for awhile," Natalie told her, touching Marcie's shoulder and smiling weakly. Gabby had already had her arms out for her Aunt Natalie to take her. Natalie took her and walked a few feet away. Ron followed behind her when he saw Marcie get up and head for the chapel.

"Let her go alone for a bit Ron, she needs to" Natalie told him and he nodded.

John continued to watch Natalie, along with Ron, continue to entertain his niece. He heard Ron tell Gabby something about her Aunt Natty and John got mad. He wasn't sure why, but it made him mad, them playing with his niece, his brothers daughter. He wasn't sure what bothered him most, the fact that she was also Ron Walsh's niece or the fact that she didn't even know John. This was the first time he had ever seen her.

After a few minutes of everyone standing around waiting for the Doctors to come from Mikey's room one did. Ron knew he had to go get Marcie from the chapel. He bent down to Gabby who was now holding Nat's hands and standing and kissed her forehead.

"Stay with aunt Natalie" he told her and came up, looked into Nat's eyes, he kissed her forehead gently as well and walked away. Natalie closed her eyes when she felt him kiss her forehead...she needed that. He always knew when she needed to be comforted, when she needed to be calmed. He always thought about her first. 'He didn't have any baggage, or any damn demons' she told herself. That last part she said to herself as she looked at John who was approaching her and Gabby.

John saw the sign of affection, and in public to boot. It was something he hated, PDA, public displays of affection, although he knew Natalie liked those things. When they were together she would have loved to show that kind of affection towards him in public. If only he hadn't been such an ass when it came to that stuff. If only he wasn't such an ass and an emotional cripple. He heard her speak to him and he came out of his thoughts quickly.

"John have you met your niece Gabby yet?" she asked him and he shook his head 'no'.

"Well then let me introduce you. Gabriel Marie McBain, this is John McBain, your uncle. You can call him Uncle Johnny" Natalie said and she laughed as the girl who was now in her arms took one look at john and made a face. She grabbed onto Natalie's sleeve of her shirt tightly as if afraid.

"There's nothing to be afraid of. I know he looks a bit strange but he's alright, he wont hurt you" Natalie told her, keeping the child as close as she would allow to John so they could get to know each other. The child still wasn't letting go of Natalie and when John decided to try and touch the baby's face with his hand, she started squirming even more.

"Its okay, I promise I'm not going to hurt you," he told her and he saw Gabby look at him more, as if not sure she could trust him or not. John saw the girls' skepticism and he smiled a bit, he reached his hand over towards Natalie's face this time. He touched her face, letting his hand linger on her cheek.

"See you're Aunt Natalie isn't afraid when I touch her cheek" John said when he saw Natalie didn't push his hand away. he saw the look of confusion on her face.

Natalie felt his hand on her cheek, she had seen it coming towards her face, and then she heard his words to Gabby. He was trying to get the baby to trust him by touching her face first. But... but why didn't he remove his hand after a few minutes? He just lingered it there as they stared into each other's eyes for a few minutes till John felt a small hand touch his cheek.

Touching Nat's cheek had shown Gabby that her uncle was all right. She reached over and touched his cheek. John automatically dropped his hand from Nat's face and smiled at Gabby as he heard a small laugh come from Natalie.

"I guess she trusts you now" Natalie told him and he looked at her

"I wish you could trust me again," he said out loud, not really wanting to but not being able to stop it from coming out.

"Wanna hold her?" Natalie said changing the subject quickly. She didn't want him to elaborate on what he had just blurred out. She held Gabby up for him to take but he shook his head no.

"Come on, you've never held a baby before have you?" she asked and he quickly said "Yes I have" he said. She gave him a look that said she knew he was lying.

"Okay I haven't but not now. Here's Marcie I'm gonna go listen to what the Doctors are saying about Michael," he told her. She nodded at first and then spoke as he walked away

"I'll stay here with the kid. Can you just let me know what they say?" she asked as he walked away and he nodded as he smiled briefly

Twenty minutes later Natalie watched the door to Michael's room open and everyone piled out. The two Doctors that were taking care of him, Marcie escorted by Ron, John, and Eve. She watched their faces, it wasn't good. Marcie seem to be a bigger mess than she was earlier and she saw John, he briefly walked near her, looked into her eye's for a moment, and then walked right past her moving towards the door of the hospital with out a word.


	10. Chapter 10 Smut

**ABC owns them**

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**Chapter 10**

Natalie was so worried about him. John had looked even worse when he left the hospital then when they had gotten the phone call about Michael in the lab. She knew she shouldn't, she knew better than to put her self out there again but she just couldn't help it. She went looking for him to the one place she knew he'd go, the roof.

Natalie opened the door and she saw him immediately. He was standing near the edge with a bottle of beer in his hands. She looked around as she approached him and saw broken glass everywhere. He obviously was taking things out, his frustrations out on defenseless beer bottles.

"John... are you alright, Oh. My. God. John your hand, it's bleeding," she said as she approached him. He put his hand up to not let her close to him.

"No, go away Natalie. Don't try and be nice to me, don't try to help me. I don't deserve it, I don't deserve you, I never have," he told her as he wouldn't let her any closer. She continued to come closer, ignoring his words.

"Let me look at it, John" she told him as she tried to take his hand to see if there was any glass in it. He pushed her a bit away from him.

"I said no, leave me alone. That's what I want, what I've always wanted, that's who I am even, alone, a loner" he said and she got her backbone up.

"Is this a pity party for one or can anyone join in the fun" she told him a bit rudely, he looked at her,

"Okay, okay that wasn't very nice of me, I know. John, are you alright? I'm worried about you," she told him and he lost it. He got madder at her and his face got red. He looked into her eyes as he spoke.

"Don't I look alright Natalie, Huh? Why wouldn't I be alright, huh? My brother may not ever come out of the damn coma he put himself into, and now he's having seizures that could kill him. I've wasted so much time with him, never took the time to be there for him to tell him how important he is in my life. Now I may never get the chance to. I've made fucking mistake after mistake with my life. With him and with you. I may not get any chances to fix them, to at least try to fix them," he told her as if he exploded inside. As if he just couldn't hold things inside any longer. She saw his anger turn his eyes watery.

"Shhhhhhhh" she said as she pulled his head into her chest. John didn't fight it, she pulled him closer to her, she was comforting him like she use to. He held on to that, he let it out, all of it.

"He may die Natalie, you understand, Die. I'll never get a chance to make it right, never" he said as he sobbed quietly and dryly into her chest. After a few minutes, she pushed his body off of hers, she looked into his eyes, and she moved her hand to caress his face. Natalie just couldn't help it; she had to make him feel better at this moment. She brought her mouth to his and started to slowly but hungrily take his mouth over and over.

John felt her touch his cheek and then he felt her lips on his, he tasted her. The taste that drove him, the taste that made him all better. He didn't think about anything else, just her making him feel better, like old times. He pushed her gently backwards towards the sides of the building. His hands came upon her breasts and his fingers found her nipples thru her blouse.

Natalie's head was no longer in charge at this moment. Her desire for him was in charge, her desire to help him to feel better just like she used to always do. She let him push her against the building as he felt her up thru her clothes, wrapping her hands thru his hair as she pulled at his head deepening their kisses.

John continued touching her breasts, the ones he used to fantasize about. The ones he used to kid were his when they were together. His hands found its way to her pants. He unbuttoned them quickly and pushed his hand inside her panties, he inserted a few fingers into her wetness and felt her. He felt her longing for him to be inside her. He felt her warm hands undo his pants and push them and his boxers down his legs allowing them to rest on his ankles.

Natalie pushed his pants and his boxers down. This was going quick, very quick. His need to be inside her was so great, so urgent. She felt him remove his fingers from her core and push her pants down her legs. Her panties were next. Natalie bent down briefly and pulled them off quickly as she stood back up for him to have his mouth on her nipple thru her thin silk shirt and bra.

John felt as if he needed her right now. No more wasting time he needed it, her. He needed her to wash away the pain like she always did, to be the strong one, to hold him together. He needed to be inside her in the worst way. He pushed her back up against the building even more; there was nowhere else to go. He quickly lifted her body up onto his and guided his erection into her almost immediately.

Natalie sighed as he pushed himself into her deep, thrusting about as he pinned her up against the solid brick wall of the building. Thrust after thrust she felt him push as he brought his mouth again to her covered breasts, suckling thru cloth. Over and over his mouth aggressively took her nipple as he aggressively thrust himself into her core.

Johns need just kept getting more urgent as he pushed into her so hard that he heard her scream in pleasure. She started to spasm around him, continued her spasming as he emptied into her, as he emptied everything he had inside, regret and all, into her.

Natalie stopped spasming, she felt him cum inside her, and for a moment she was smiling. She smiled until she realized what she had just done, again. She was sucked back in, he sucked her in. he made it impossible for things to ever be about her and her needs. Things once more were about John McBain and his demons or his regrets this time. It was all about making him feel better.

John saw her, he watched her as he moved her down off of him. Something was off and he knew what it was. He moved his hand to wipe away some sweat from her brow when it lingered on her face for a few minutes. At first she allowed it to stay on her cheek but then she removed it with her own hand.

"No... I can't... I don't know what came over me. I can't be the person you lean on anymore. It's not fair. I can't be strong for you. I can't be the patient one again. I just can't give you all of me and get nothing back in return," she said as she moved away from him. She grabbed her pants, her panties quickly and threw them on; she started towards the door as he put his hand out to her arm.

"Natalie..." he started to say and she looked into his eyes

"What John?" she asked him giving him a chance. A chance to prove maybe he had changed; maybe he would say something nice. Maybe he would tell her now after all this time. Because right now the only thing that would keep her from not running off this roof ashamed at herself for being so weak would be those three words she's always longed from him.

"I'm sorry," he said, realizing he couldn't say anything else but that to her at this moment.

"Well I guess you've done it again John, made me feel like nothing other then a cheap whore " she said and ran as fast as she could off the roof and out of the hotel.


	11. Chapter 11

ABC owns them

Chapter 11 

Natalie ran all the way to the station, she didn't care that she left her car at the hotel, she just found herself running, it wasn't a far distance and she needed the late afternoon air. She walked into the station trying desperately to avoid everyone eyes. She knew she was probably a mess; she needed to go into her office and fix herself up before someone noticed her.

Natalie slammed her door shut behind her and she locked it. She sat at her desk, took out her mirror and she looked at herself. Why? She asked herself, why did she have to give herself to him tonight, just let him have her so he could feel better. She knew it was like it always was, actually even worse it left her feeling awful, like a whore even. Before John had left town at least she knew he cared somewhat about her, but this tonight on the roof had nothing to do with them, with what they felt for each other. John just needed somebody and anybody would have done. John couldn't even tell her anything after wards, no nothing, not even a thank you, or a 'you always did know how to make me feel better.'

"Fuck you John McBain, How dare you, How dare you" she said loudly out loud and she started sobbing quietly in her office.

John followed her to her office; he hadn't been able to catch up to her. He got to her office door just in time to hear her curse him and start to cry. John put his hand up to the door to knock, he was about to, but he stopped. John just couldn't, he had hurt her enough already, he kept hurting her, how did he stop, the same way he did the last time, he would leave. John thought about that for a few minutes as he continued to hear her cry inside her office door. He knew he couldn't leave not yet anyways not till Michael was better. He'd just stay away from her, far away, if that were possible. He turned and headed out towards the Hospital to check in about Michael.

John walked into the Hospital and Saw Ron standing outside of Michael's door. He approached him; he knew what he needed to do.

"How's Michael? Any changes?"

"Actually he's been improving they say, his vitals are good and he even woke for a few minutes, the doctors said that was a good sign, he still has a long way to go but its a start." Ron told John and John looked a bit relieved.

"Can we talk?" he asked Ron and Ron looked at him confused for a minute

"I guess, about what?" Ron asked as John escorted them towards the terrace door to go outside and talk.

"About Natalie, I'll be leaving town as soon as Michael is up and about and ... and well... she loves you. She told me so herself. I'm not sure what went on between the two of you but... but if I'm the reason you two aren't' together, that's just wrong cause I'll be gone. I can't love her like she needs, and I don't want to keep on hurting her" John told him and he had to keep biting down on his tongue. It was hard for John to tell this man that she loved him. That they should have a chance that he would be leaving again soon.

"Let me get this straight, you want she and I to be together? " he asked John and John nodded.

"Why? Why do you even care about Natalie?"

"I just want her to be happy, that's all that matters" John told him as he saw Ron's face.

"So it doesn't bother you then, none of it, that maybe we'll be together, make love day in and day out, all night long, that she'll scream my name over and over, she'll hum into my ear when she gets real close to letting go" Ron said on purpose to see his reaction, he watched as John got red in the face.

John couldn't believe his words, talking about making love to her, with her and the humming he thought she only did with him. He crumbled up his fists as he didn't want to but go madder by the minute.

"No, it doesn't bother me" John lied to his face and then had to walk away for a minute.

"Good then it won't bother you if we get married real soon. Nat's always wanted kids and she wants to be young when she has them, two she says, a boy and a girl, I think maybe we'll have five I just can't get enough of her body, but if two is really what she wants that's what she'll get. A boy to look like me, and a little spite fire girl just like her, maybe I'll even build her a house, with a picket fence and I'll paint it white for her if that's what she wants." he said and then saw John about to leave the terrace steaming, his eye's bulging.

"Yeah, you know what, I think I might just get back with Natalie" Ron said laughing as John quickly walked off the terrace.

Station

"Natalie... its Carl, are you all right in there" Carl asked as he knocked on her door and she didn't answer.

"Buchanan, answer this door this second" he ordered her and he knew she would respond to that.

"Who the hell are you?" she said as she answered the door and she knew he did it on purpose. He was such an ass that she didn't know when he was being nice or nasty.

"Whats going on with the hospital killer case?" he asked, Natalie was feeling so bad she had forgot about it for a little while there.

"We found something, an old newspaper at the scene of the crime, it was from October 6Th and the Obits wear ripped out, I think he wanted us to find it, it was a clue, I believe he feels bad about what he's doing and wants to be caught. Waiting on the reports from Bruce on the actual Obits for that day and then your guys can look anyone and every one up on the list" she told him, focusing on the case, this was exactly what she needed right now. She needed to focus on the case and not her personal life, not John McBain.

"When you get the list of Obits from Bruce, cross reference it with the hospital. I'm thinking he has a grudge, the killer has a grudge against the hospital, doctors even," Carl told her and she nodded in agreement. Carl started to walk out of her office.

"You look like shit kid, pull yourself together and lets get this guy" he told her and she got a bit annoyed, she mimicked his words after he left.

Natalie put her head down and she closed her eye's. How could she be going thru this again, she needed to focus she told herself, Focus on finding this guy. She was having a hard time doing that, getting john and what just happened out of her head. She felt like she had no one to turn to help her, to calm her. Michael... he was the one who helped her thru things when John left, they had helped each other. Michael had become a friend she could count on but now. Now with him hurt, she felt as if she had no one.

Natalie drifted off to sleep on her desk, she dreamed of a happier time, a time with him and her on the roof. She dreamed of making love for the first time all those years ago, she smiled out in her sleep.

Natalie raised her head, she was a bit groggy, and she looked to the door of her office to see Ron standing there.

"Hey, how long have you been standing there?" she asked and he walked into the room

"Not long, are you okay? You don't look so good" He told her. Ron approached her desk; she stood and looked at him. He was so damn good to her wasn't he? He never did hurt her, not ever.

"What's up? Is Michael alright?" she asked him as they both sat facing the other

"Yeah... actually wanted to tell you myself, he woke, the Doctors say things are looking good" he said and he smiled at her. She smiled back, it was a genuine smile, and he knew it.

"It's so nice to see you smile," he told her and she even blushed a bit.

John was on his way to the lab, to her office. He wanted to see if she needed help with the case, nothing more. He actually knew deep down inside he should just leave her alone, but he just couldn't. He had his little talk with Ron, it made him pretty mad, but he had no right to be. As if a greater force made him have to see her while he was still in this town he gravitated towards her. John stood outside her office when he looked in and saw them laughing, joking, talking. He noticed her bright wide smile, the one he loved to be on the receiving end of. John stopped in his tracks and hid next to her door so she wouldn't see him, he listened.

"I've gotta go back to the hospital to check on things with Marcie, will you be coming by to see Michael later?" he asked her as he stood

"Yeah, I probably will" she told him then she too stood. She could tell he had something on his mind.

"Ron... is there something else?" she asked and he smiled

"I could never keep anything from you could I?" he told her and she nodded.

"Well... John... he came by the hospital, told me some stuff" he said and she got white as a ghost for a minute till she heard his next words.

"He said you love me. Not like I needed him to tell me, said he'll be leaving after Michael is better and... And well.. He got me thinking, maybe I wasn't fair with ending things the way I did, maybe we can... I don't know, we love each other, right? And when he's gone, I mean we were real good till he came back, weren't we? I could probably get over the fact that you look at him differently, especially if he's not here and we are together, Married even" he told her and the last part shocked her. They had spoke of marriage before, a few months ago but for him to bring it up now.

"Ron... I Just don't want to hurt you, and I fear if we go back to that place again, if we just pick up where we left off, as if nothing happened and we didn't break up, I fear I will hurt you, I know I will"

"Natalie you could never hurt me that bad, we'll just be together like we were. As if we didn't have this break," he told her as they continued to stand and stare at each other

"I had Sex with him" she told him and he looked away for a minute

"Earlier, he needed me, not really I think he just needed a woman's body and I just gave it to him. I was in heaven till my brain realized what I had just done," she told him and Ron couldn't look at her for a minute

John was still in the hall; he heard her words, their words, all of them. She said they had sex, not love. Did she really believe that, all that was on the roof was sex? Did he really give her that impression? She said he just needed someone not her, did she really believe that to be true? It wasn't true and he knew anytime he touched her it was love. Whether it is in passing or whether it be a quickie to make him feel better. He shook his head, realizing his own thoughts' to make me feel better' he said to himself

'I am a selfish ass' he told himself and he walked away. He couldn't listen anymore; he needed to be alone and away from here.

"See Ron, we just can't go back to loving each other as if nothing happened," she told him. She placed her hand on his cheek; she held it there for a few minutes as they heard someone clear their throat.

"Sorry to interrupt honey but we're having a meeting in my office in five about the case" Bo told her and he didn't leave. Bo stood standing there as Natalie let her hand drop and she smiled at Ron.

Ron moved towards her a bit, he leaned into her forehead and kissed it.

"We can talk later, I'll see ya at the hospital" he told her and he started to walk out of her office.

"Tell Michael I'll be there as soon as possible," she told him and he nodded.

As soon as Ron left Nat's office Bo closed the door. He looked at her and he didn't have to say a word. He put his arms out for her. Natalie slowly without hesitation walked into his open arms and he held her fatherly as she cried silently.


	12. Chapter 12

**ABC Owns Them**

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**Chapter 12**

"Wanna talk about it?" he asked her and she pulled away from his chest

"No, not really, but I do want to catch a killer before anyone else gets hurt, so lets get to that meeting and concentrate on that" she told him pulling herself together.

"Sure... but one thing Honey... its not that bad, you know, some people can't even find one man that loves them and you've got two"

"I know, I've got you and Ron," she said smiling knowing what he was getting at.

"Natalie...you know he does, don't you?" he asked her referring his question about John.

"I use to think I knew along time ago, use to think I could feel it but... obviously time has changed things for him, obviously not for me however and that's... that's just something I will have to deal with. And that's all I'm going to say on the subject." she told him and she made up her mind. No more effort would be put into John McBain, not into Ron Walsh for now. For now it was time to catch a killer and nothing else.

Hospital

"Hey" John said as he walked into his brother's room. Michael was awake and Marcie was sitting with him. Eve was in the back of the room playing with Gabby.

"Johnny" Michael said low and soft spoken

"How are you Mikey? You do know if you wanted me to come back to Llanview all you would've had to do is call" John told him joking, Michael broke a small smile

"Well if I thought that would've worked than I would've done it," he told him and John gave him a weak smile. He deserved that, he totally deserved that. Marcie looked at Eve; they both excused themselves and went out to give them some privacy.

John sat in the seat next to his bed, he looked at him, they just looked at each other. After a few minutes John started to speak.

"I saw your precious angel, she's beautiful Mikey, I...I'm really sorry I wasn't here for you" He told him and Mikey gave him a look.

"Yeah, well, I guess you're here now aren't you? And maybe you'll be staying too?" he asked him but John didn't answer him.

"No, I can't stay. I've screwed things up enough, hurt people enough, I'll be going back to NY soon" he told him, he got up from the chair and started to walk around.

"Maybe you should rest" John told him but Michael shook his head no.

"I take it you've seen Natalie" Michael said knowing not asking. John didn't answer for a minute

"I don't want to talk about Natalie"

"I guess that's still one of your hang ups, never wanting to talk about Natalie, talk to Natalie, show Natalie you care even" Michael started going off a bit.

"Mikey, I'm here for you not Natalie"

"And if it was Natalie that was in a coma and almost died because of a serial killer, oh... wait a minute that kinda happened already hasn't it? The killer part like twice." Michael said being a smart ass

"Michael I don't want to fight with you. I'm happy you going to be alright, I came here for you little brother you. Leave me and Natalie out of it " John told him and Michael stopped prying. The two brothers spoke for a few minutes and then a nurse came in to check Michael. John excused himself and walked out into the hall to see Marcie and Eve over a few feet away from the room.

John started to slowly walk toward them when out of No where he felt a fist hit him clear across the jaw. John automatically grabbed for his Jaw as he saw an enraged Ron Walsh standing by him moving back and forth like a nut.

"You son of a bitch! You're sick you know that! You come back screw with her brain again, have sex with her and then send her packing towards me again" Ron told him pissed as John was now getting pissed too.' that fucking word Sex again' John thought. He managed to get out a few words before he felt Ron's fists hitting him again.

"It was Love" John said as he felt the pain from the man's fist again, he fell this time when the blow hit him and he heard Marcie scream for Ron to stop.

"Ron... please... leave him alone, he's gonna leave like he always does and she'll be happy again with you, just wait this out"

John heard Marcie's words and they stung just as much as Ron's fists. He pulled himself up off the floor never breaking eye contact with Ron at this point. John wiped a bit of blood that was on his mouth from when he bite down on his lips. He started to walk towards his mother by the chairs who looked on mortified as she held Gabby.

"Johnny... no Johnny don't go" Eve called out to him as he walked away. John was headed towards the stairs when he heard a woman come from the stair well screaming.

John automatically ran closer to the woman as he tried to calm her. She pointed to the stairs and said there was a dead body down a few feet. John took out his gun and proceeded slowly down the stair well and he yelled out for someone to call the police.

Ten minutes later John stood waiting by a dead body in the stairwell between the third and fourth floor. He scrunched over the body and started his own investigation into what he thought happened. He was deep in thought when he heard someone clear their throat to get his attention.

"Okay sir, you need to leave the investigation work to the professionals, please move yourself out into the halls like the rest of the civilians" Carl told John as John just stared at him. John didn't move, he just continued to walk around the body on the steps.

"I don't think you heard me, this is for the p--" Carl was telling John as Natalie came upon them and interrupting him.

"Carl this is Federal Agent McBain, he has been helping out a little with this investigation" she told him and she saw him start to say something as she stopped his words in there tracks.

"The Commissioner said it was fine, he use to have your job," she told Carl and Carl looked at her.

"Oh, so he's the one you ... the last chief everyone said you were involved with, no wonder you've been all over the map the last few days" he told her and she gave him a glare.

"Even with me being all over the map the last few days I can still solve a freaking crime faster than you" she told him and he laughed

"Nice to have your spunk back again Buchanan, at least he hasn't taken that from you, now get to work" Carl said as Natalie and John both glared at him as he walked away.

Natalie tried so hard not to look at him, she needed to do her job and help catch this guy. She looked up at him briefly

"Yeah, I know, he's an ass" she told him knowing exactly what he was thinking. John just nodded his head as he watched her start to look for clues, for evidence.

Twenty minutes later they were both still quiet just looking around trying to figure things out. John was feeling a bit distracted, more than a bit, she was so close, they were so close. He could see she was trying so hard also. So hard to just do her job and ignore what she was feeling inside, the pain, the hurt she must be feeling. John had to ignore it; he had to work, to help on this case. This case was important to him, to catch this guy not only to put a bad man away for killing people and to maybe prevent him from killing others but for Michael, this man attacked his brother.

Natalie continued to ignore his presence and did her job. She looked for clues, for anything, she could see him every now and then out of the corner of her eye's. He was behind her over to the sides and every now and then he looked at her when he didn't think she could see him.

Natalie looked at the body, the Dr that laid on the second and third step of the stairwell leading to the fourth floor.

"He wasn't killed here," she said out loud and she heard him agree with her. She was about to say something else when her phone rang. She pulled it from her pocket and answered it.

"Buchanan, Bruce, yeah... Okay, did you check all the names against the Hospital files, yeah... Sheryl Johnson, alright go visit her husband find out where he's been when these killing occurred... No you can do it on my order... don't laugh, you know he likes it when I take charge." Natalie spoke to this Bruce guy on the phone, she even laughed a bit, was she flirting with him? John shook his head, keep it together john, you're losing it, now you're jealous of her co- workers.

Natalie closed her phone and put it away. She again didn't speak to him when he this time started to talk.

"He was probably killed in the park' he told her and she looked at him, "He's got grass stuck in the bottom of his shoes" John said clarifying.

"Not a park, I bet the new courtyard here at the hospital," she told him

"A courtyard? When did they put that in?" he asked as he caught her eye for a minute. She was stuck for a minute; her eye's her train of thought. She shook her glare away from him.

"About six months ago, its a beautiful place, very peaceful, a few trees, plants, grass, a few tables, the doctors and patients really enjoy it" she told him and she motioned with her hands for a near by officer. The officer came over, she told him to get over to the courtyard and close it off that she would be over there in a few minutes.

John was in mixed thoughts as he saw her bend down to pick up her stuff. She stood on the very edge of the third step and when she grabbed for a few bags of evidence she lost her balance. John automatically grabbed for her to avoid her from falling. His arms so naturally went around her waist and he held her to steady her. Well... at least that was the reason to catch her, to stand there holding her, that was a whole different reason.

"I'm fine... I'm fine," she told him after a minute of letting him hold her. Why? She asked herself why am I letting him even touch me. She yelled at herself mad now when she didn't see nor feel him let her go. She refused to look into his eyes and he knew why.

"Let go of me," she told him softly but insistent.

"No, not yet, I think maybe we should talk" he said and she just about Laughed in his face.

"Ha! The last thing I want to do with you right now John is talk, well... maybe not the last thing... I mean, I certainly don't want to be used for make John McBain feel good sex again, that would probably be the last thing I'd want to do or feel again" she told him snide, she still wouldn't look at him as he still held her. He closed his eyes briefly as her words hit him and he had to just let her go.

"Thanks" she said again snide as she brushed herself off and started to again gather her stuff and leave the stair well.

John saw her just about walk away completely; leave the stairs when he called out to her.

"Wait!" he told here but she didn't turn

"There's something we missed in the man's back pocket" he told her and she turned back and went by the body.


	13. Chapter 13

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**Chapter 13**

"Its a newspaper article" she said as she carefully started flipping thru it with her gloves on.

"Sheryl Johnson" she said out loud and pulled out her phone

"Bruce, its me, yeah, This is definitely about Sheryl Johnson, I'm sure if I was the Chief I would have you investigate everything about how she died and get to her husbands house ASAP... what?" she asked and John heard her stop talking and listened.

"Well we just got our motive for the killing of the Doctors at this hospital didn't we. Good work, you tell Carl yet? No, me first." she said to Bruce and John saw her laugh.

"Thanks for the boost of confidence but after this one its back to just processing the scenes and letting the real detectives do there jobs. Yeah, later" she told him and then she turned to look at John. He seemed to be a bit mad.

John heard her again, with this Detective Bruce, and he was beyond jealous. It seems she has man after man falling all over her since he left. What the hell was up with that? He asked himself. She had always been beyond beautiful. Attractive, fun, free spirited but there were never this many guys at her feet when he was around. He saw her take a step closer to her and he stared into her gorgeous blue eyes.

"It seems Sheryl Johnson died on the operating table here in the hospital in October. Her family blamed the surgeons and the hospital. They wanted to sue but a court found there were no grounds for such a suit. Her husband was angry, very angry" Natalie told him trying so hard to ignore his gaze. His gaze that she knew wasn't work related.

Natalie watched as John started walking back and forth thinking things thru in his head.

"So you're thinking the husband then?" he asked her and she spoke.

"Yeah, actually Bruce and I figure its him. He's got motive," Natalie told him and he got a bit nasty

"Who the hell is this Bruce?" he asked in an annoyed voice. He wanted to know who the Fuck this Bruce guy was. He didn't remember a damn Bruce when he was chief. He shook his head as he heard her words come back at him.

"What the hell is your problem? How dare you talk to me like that! Not with all that you put me thru, you ass!" she said and she started to walk out of the stair well towards the courtyard.

John knew he blew it, his green colors were showing and he closed his eyes before he ran after her, he grabbed her arm and swung her around.

"What the Fu---" she started to say as he tuned her to face him.

"Have one of your people take care of the courtyard. I think we need to talk this out," he told her and she thought it sounded too much like an order.

"I don't take orders from you " she told him and he calmed a bit realizing he did in fact just order her around.

"I'm sorry, we just need to clear the air a bit," he told her

"No, we don't. There isn't anything to talk about John"

"Natalie we need to talk about what happened on the roof," he told her and she closed her now wet eyes.

"The roof was a big mistake for me. I never should have let you use me like that to make you feel better," she told him and he let go of her arm.

"We need to talk. Come with me" he told her and he escorted them into a lounge down the hall.

Natalie went, she needed to have it out with him, to tell him to leave, to tell him she would not fall under his spell again, she needed to concentrate on this case and help to catch this killer.

"Well talk John. You wanted this pow -wow," she said snidely and he got a bit mad

"What do you want from me Natalie?" he asked her and caught her off guard with that question.

"What?" she asked, somewhat confused.

"What do you want from me, for me to do? How can I help to make you feel better? I know I've hurt you again and I didn't mean to. It was the last thing I wanted to do," he told her and she actually turned away from him. She walked over to the window overlooking the parking lot.

"I want you to leave... I want you to never come back here again... to Llanview, my life. Forever this time, for good... I want you to never be able to make me feel so hurt and full of pain" she said and she started to cry. Tears started to run down her cheeks and she wiped them away.

John knew that was coming. What did he expect? Everything had been about him. That year they spent happy and together. The year he was sure she waited for him to be whole again, to feel whole again. The year she waited for him to express what she meant to him, the wonderful year was all about him. He had made it that way. He heard her words and he came out of his thoughts.

"What do you want from me John? Tell me?" she asked him as she found strength to turn and met his eyes.

John stood for a few minutes staring into her eyes.

"I want you to be happy Natalie... I want you to have a full life with someone who loves you the way you deserve. Someone who doesn't take you for granted or expects you to sit around and wait for them to feel whole again." he told her and she smiled weakly, her eyes welling up.

'Yeah, I guess you and I want the same things for me than don't we" she told him and she automatically went into his arms. He held her as if for the very last time ever, and that was because it would be. He would have to leave again, stay away completely, and not look back ever. That was what she needed and he would do that for her even if his heart would break in two doing so. This had to be about Natalie, not him, and his baggage.

Natalie held her head close to his heart as she stopped crying, this was it she thought, this was there good-bye, the one they never got when he left the first time, maybe this was just the closure she needed to move past John McBain for good, forever. She pulled herself off him completely and she looked into his eye's one last time.

"I loved you so much. I know you knew that, but... I couldn't wait anymore. You know it was killing me to not be a hundred percent sure of your love for me…and... And well I just wanted you to know before you leave that... that you shouldn't be so down on yourself for hurting me. We were good together back then and... And well I guess you just can't help who you fall in love with" she said as she started for the door. He closed his eye's holding in the tears. he couldn't watch, she was saying beyond a doubt that it was good bye.

"Good bye John, I hope you have a good life" she told him and his tears started slowly moving down his cheeks as he didn't chase her, he knew there was no reason too, it wasn't fair, not to hurt her any longer.

"I love you Natalie," he said out loud for the first time ever, softly almost a whisper, as he opened his eyes and looked out the window and watched all the passing cars.

Natalie went into the ladies room to regain herself. She went into one of stalls and broke down behind the door; sobbing uncontrollably she let it all out. All the tears she had bottled up for years, she was shedding them for a good twenty minutes when her phone went off in her pocket. It brought her out of it and made her remember she had a case to help solve. She stood up, opened the stall door went to the sink, washed her face and hands and quickly answered her phone as she left the bathroom.

John stood in the lounge for a few more minutes till he heard the door open and Mikey's voice.

"John... are you okay?" he asked. John didn't turn around he just spoke.

"I... her... I won't ever tell her thou, its not fair to her... I've gotta go" he told him and he started to walk past him.

"John where are you going?" Michael asked and John looked at his younger brother. He may have been younger but he was so much wiser than john.

"I'm going to help them catch this killer cause he hurt you and then I'm going to go back to NY. Everyone will be happier that way"

"What about you? Will you be happy if you leave Llanview"

"I'll be happy if she's happy, and she'll be happy when I'm gone for good" John told him as he stopped at the door. He leaned down to Michael in the wheelchair and messed his hair

"John... do you really think she'll ever be happy with out you? Do you really think you'll ever be happy with out her?" Mickey told him as john was almost out the door.

"Its about her and her happiness now " he said and he was gone.


	14. Chapter 14

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**Chapter 14**

Natalie headed over to the station quickly, Carl had called and told her that he and her uncle wanted to go over the case with her.

Natalie walked into Bo's office took a seat on his couch and waited as the other important players in this case walked in. Bruce came in and sat down next to her on the couch. They started friendly conversation not even realizing John had moved into the room when Carl also walked in.

"So, Chief Buchanan" Bruce said flirty and smiling. Natalie laughed, she knew he was a flirt and although she was not much in the mood for him today she smiled back at him weakly.

"I saw your boy toy at the hospital earlier. He was looking just as miserable as you" Bruce told her and she was a bit confused for a moment.

"Yeah... ummm… Ron and I aren't together any longer," she told him and he saw the sadness on her face.

"Its alright sunshine, it'll be alright. You have big Bruce here to finally get a chance to pick up the pieces," he told her and she let out a loud laugh.

John was standing by the door behind a few officers. Bo had called and asked him to come to the meeting. He thought maybe his input on this case would be helpful. Natalie was unaware of his presence and he knew this because if she knew he was there she wouldn't be as relaxed as she was speaking with Detective Bruce... Flirting with Detective Bruce, sitting so close to Detective Bruce... John came out of his thoughts when he heard Bo's words telling the room full of twenty people to be quiet.

"Quiet down everyone. Okay, now I've asked all of you here for two reasons. The first... the hospital killer, we think we know who he is but we need to figure out how to bring him out. The second reason we're here is… well... Chief " Bo motioned for Carl to speak

"Thanks Bo. It saddens me to say that after I... we... put this killer away I will be leaving you guys and Llanview," Carl said and Bruce smiled, he turned to Natalie, he spoke up.

"Hey, that's sad news Chief will Natalie finally get your title since she's been doing all your work?" Bruce said, everyone chuckled, almost everyone. Natalie didn't let on that it amused her and Carl of course didn't think it was so funny.

"As great as Ms. Buchanan is she is Forensics and not a officer. The commissioner will be finding a replacement for me"

After a few more minutes of discussion from Carl he and Bo excused half the squad. Natalie stayed as did Bruce, John of course still in the back of the room waited till everyone was gone and he tried to exit without anyone seeing him when Bo saw him and asked him to stay.

Natalie saw the room empty out, then she heard her uncle look towards he back of the room and she saw John. He had been there the whole time and her uncle asked him to stay.

John realized she finally saw him and she became tense, he wasn't the only one that realized this.

"Hey, sunshine, why so tense all of a sudden?" Bruce asked her and she told him she wasn't it.

"Okay, so lets talk about this guy, Travis Johnson. Bruce tell us about Sheryl Johnson and why we're looking at her husband for this"

"Sure Bo... Sheryl Johnson, she was rushed into the hospital with Pains in her lower back. Appendicitis the doctors confirmed, very routine procedure, they prepped her for surgery, the surgery was going fine and then out of nowhere she flat lined, dead. her family, her husband, Travis he tried suing the hospital, in mediation. The court ruled no negligence by the dr.'s or hospital. Mr. Johnson, he was Pissed, beyond mad, she was all he had." Bruce told all the facts on Sheryl Johnson and on her husband when he heard a voice from the back of the room.

"What makes you think he's the guy, the killer, why Travis Johnson?" John asked Bruce not wanting to be a smart ass or anything but he wanted to know why Bruce was so confident it was the husband. Bruce gave John a look.

"I'm sorry we haven't been introduced. I'm John McBain, My brother Michael was one of the Doctors who were attacked"

"I know. I happen to know Mikey very well. But I just don't understand why you're in on this. Who you are exactly?" Bruce asked and Natalie spoke up softly.

"He's the old chief, he use to run this department and extremely efficiently I might add," she said and John looked at her. She was standing up for him. She looked away after a second of staring and everyone in the room now knew there was a bit more between them.

"Guess that sort of answers my question about you being tense before, huh?" Bruce leaned in near her ear and told her. He smiled as he looked at John. John never took his eyes off of Bruce and his mouth so close to Natalie's face. It was beginning to bother him again but he knew he couldn't let it.

"You need to catch me up on things later doll," Bruce again told her this time a bit louder

"He's a over protective one isn't he?" Bruce said as he looked at johns now red face. Bruce laughed thinking it was funny. He turned to John.

"Down boy, you've been gone along time" he told him smirking as John gave him a glare.

"We're all still waiting for an answer to my questions" John told him snidely as he looked on to Natalie

"He's desperate, he's lost it all. Sheryl was everything to him, they had no kids, and he had no one before she came into his life. He was an emotional cripple the neighbors say, he was always brooding before he met her. Once she came into his life, he was a changed man but now... now that she's gone he's lost it. None of the neighbors have seen him," Bruce told him and John shook his head

"You're probably right. If he has nothing else what does he have to lose? And that's why he probably wants to get caught. He's proving a point," John said and he sat down in an empty chair in the back of the room.

"So… how are we going to catch him? Are we going to just wait till he kills again?" Natalie asked as she got an idea

"We'll beef up plain clothes security for another day or two and maybe even entertain the idea of someone posing as a doctor" Bo answered and then he concluded the meeting for now

"Lets concentrate on the evidence and see if we can get any prints to match anything outside of his house. We don't need a search warrant for public property."

Bo excused everyone and Natalie started to walk out the door first just ignoring Bruce when she heard the two men speaking as she walked.

"So you're the great Lt. McBain huh? When I first started hear ten months ago you were all Buchanan here talked about in bed" Bruce said. John turned quickly, looked at him, and curled up his fists

"What!" he said and Bruce laughed, he saw Natalie turn not surprised at all about the comment.

"Lay off Bruce" she told him with a smirk

"He sure is a easy one to get green isn't he, but then again, if you were the light in my eye's, I'd be green 24/7" he told her as he walked passed Natalie smirking.

"Get to work" Natalie told him smirking herself. He was such a damn clown all the time.

"Yes Boss" he said and he walked away laughing. Natalie looked at John's face. Their eye's met and then she looked away and walked off.

John closed his eyes briefly after he met hers. He came down from his sudden lapse of rage. He had, for a few minutes there, wanted to beat Bruce senseless. He watched her walk away from him and out the doors of the station. He went over to Bo in his office to have a talk.

Natalie walked into Michael's room. He was alone and she was happy for that. She didn't want to see Ron right now, or even Marcie or Eve for that matter. She needed to spend time with her good friend, the one that helps her with everything, with John and keeping her feeling at bay for him.

Michael was sleeping when she first came in and she sat next to his bed. She put her hands in her face and she heard his voice.

"Whats up kid?" he said and she looked at him, she smiled.

"You look good, really good" she told him as she continued to smile at him.

"Yeah, and you look like shit" he told her and he saw her laugh a bit.

"Why does everyone keep telling me that?" she said and stood

"Talk to me" he told her and she walked by the window to look outside. She shook her head no.

"Natalie" he said in a convincing tone.

"No Michael you don't need this now, you were hurt a few days ago"

"I'm better now, and... Well I hate being in this bed and resting so much. Listening to my friends problems, well... that would help me to not be so anxious to get out of here," he told her, then he reached over to the chair next to his bed, and he patted it. Natalie hesitated at first and then walked over to the chair and sat.

"Do you know about Ron and me?" she asked him and he nodded yes.

"Is that what this is about or is it about---"

"What do you think?" she told him before he could stop his words. He just looked at her.

"Of course its about John. When isn't it about John? Even when he was gone a whole year things were still about him weren't they?" she told him and he gave her a weak smile

"What are you going to do?" he asked her, and she shook her head, not knowing.

" Not sure Michael, not sure"

"I won't ask what the problem is Natalie cause I know, a little to well too. But... but... is it possible he's changed" Michael asked her and she got a bit teary eyed.

"Just here me out Nat alright?" he asked her and Natalie, although reluctant, shook her head yes.

"He seems a bit different, maybe he's missed us, you even, I don't know. I think we should give him another chance to make things up to us"

"Michael it's different for you. He's your brother. If you want to give him another chance to be a stand up brother than that is perfectly understandable but I just can't do it. I can't be hurt again" she told him and they both turned to see John walk into the room.


	15. Chapter 15

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**Chapter 15**

"Excuse me, I ... I didn't know you had company Michael I'll... come back" John said knowing Natalie didn't want to see him, she had been making that obvious for the whole day and he knew it was for the better.

"No, stay... I've gotta go anyways" she told John as she stood, she leaned into Michael, kissed his cheek and started to walk out of the room

"Take care, I'll be back to see you soon" she told him as she proceeded to walk out the door, she met John's eyes for a brief second by the door and she looked down.

"Johnny" Michael said as John took the seat Nat had just exited, he put his elbows on his knees and put his face in his hands.

"Why are you doing this?" Michael asked him and he looked up at him confused

"Doing what Michael?" he asked

"Torturing the two of you, when you know you love her" he told john and he shook his head

"Just tell her already john, end this now, move on from it," he told him and John got up and started pacing around the room

"Its not that easy, Michael"

"Yes, it is, you just tell her, it'll make her happy, the two of you can work everything else out"

"No Mikey, I'm not good enough for her, she deserves better, I just hurt her to much, I'm to selfish, I have to many problems, I've made to many mistakes"

"You know John... you are such a coward, you can risk your life day in and day out but you're scared of letting her know you love her"

"Michael, I don't want to get into this with you and not now" he told him and Michael got mad

"Well you are damn it, you are going to sit there and listen to me, you owe it to me, its the least you can do." he told him sternly, john took a seat he had never seen his younger brother like this.

"You deserve her John, you always have, you're just screwed up in the brain that's all, you have some kind of fucking problems with simple words, words like Love, and its all in your head, in that pea brain of yours, make a fucking decision to be happy and then do it! Tell her you love her already and move on with your life finally before it's to late. You don't want to be one of those people who die having no one, nothing to show for their life," he told him

"Are you done with the sermon now Mikey" he asked him snide

"No, not yet you ass. If you've ever dreamed of having things, a life, ad family, then I suggest you don't let her go this time. I suggest you get your act together, or you will... grow old alone and have no one. And I can... guarantee that wasn't what Pop or even Caitlyn wanted for you" he told him nastily. John just sat there and took it. He heard his brother's words but he just didn't know what to do, how to say it to her face; it was true, he loved her. He was still sitting there for a few minutes when he heard someone scream form the hall.

Natalie left Michael's room minutes ago. She had to get out of there quickly. She just couldn't stay in there with him so close. She was pacing the halls endlessly for a reason she was unsure of when she decided to go out onto the terrace for some air. She walked out on the terrace and caught a glance at something in the bushes. She walked closer and she saw him...Travis Johnson disposing what looked like a dead body in the bushes.

John ran out into the hallway outside Michaels room when his eyes came upon them, her. Natalie with a scalpel to her neck and a man he was sure was Travis Johnson. He had seen a picture of Johnson today at the station and he knew it was him.

John noticed Natalie was calm as the man walked slowly thru the halls pushing people aside, there were a few people who screamed at the sight in front of them and Travis was starting to become unraveled by it and also by being caught by Natalie outside.

Natalie controlled her breathing, she didn't want to become upset or lose it, she could handle this, she was trained in some of this stuff, hell she had personally been in this situation a few times already and she was just waiting for her opportunity to get away from him with out him cutting her throat.

"Why don't you let me go? I didn't see anything, I won't say a word," she told him softly as he started to stop his walking.

John was freaking inside, she had a knife type object up against her throat, a mad man held it and he couldn't breath for a moment, he gathered himself and started walking slowly behind the man that held her in his arms. He caught up to them right before they walked out of the front entrance of the hospital.

"Mr. Johnson, Let they girl go" John told him as he held his gun pointing at his back, Travis turn to face him bringing Natalie around with him. Natalie heard John's voice, his calm exterior tone, she was turned around when Travis turned to see John and she looked at him, at John.

John watched Travis eye's, he looked straight into them, he never wavered them, as much as he wanted to look into Natalie's and tell her with his own eyes' that everything will be alright, he couldn't. He just had to get that damn scalpel away from her throat.

"You...you... I won't let her go," he said with Johns unwavering eye's getting to him, he regained himself

"Let the girl go and I'll let you walk out of here," he told him calmly but Travis found his nerve again.

"Drop it, drop the gun or I'll slice her throat, the same way they sliced into my Sheryl" he said and he pulled the scalpel closer to Natalie, throat, tightening the grip on her even.

"You heard me... drop the gun or she gets it," he told John forcefully now.

John watched, he had to play this save, but...but this guy had Natalie and he was just crazy enough to kill her. He had to do it, he dropped his gun.

"Okay, alright, I'll drop it and you let her go"

"Drop it and kick it over here or I'll slice her" he said and John shook for a minute, he got nervous inside but couldn't show it to Travis.

"I'm dropping it, right now, see... here it is" John told him as he laid it on the ground.

"Kick it over, Now!" he told John and John gently kicked it over.

Natalie saw the gun slid over and held her breath. As Travis bent over to pick it up he pressed the scalpel into her neck tighter and it drew a thin stream of blood. Natalie yelped in pain and jumped slightly.

The unexpected movement startled Travis and as he was straightening up with the gun his hand tightened on it. In the split second before chaos erupted Natalie saw that the safety had come off when John had kicked it over to Travis. Just as she realized it Travis squeezed the trigger and the gun went off.

John heard the gunshot and then felt an awful burning pain in his shoulder. He swore loudly and grabbed his shoulder. Blood poured from the wound and the blinding pain caused John to momentarily forget where he was.

In that split second when his guard was down Travis took that opportunity and began to drag Natalie off. "John!" Natalie screamed in panic.

Hearing her voice brought John back to his senses and he looked up as Travis was dragging Natalie around the side of the building. Fear that Travis would shoot her rooted him to the spot but he couldn't help but scream helplessly, "Natalie!" as she went around the side of the building.


	16. Chapter 16

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**Chapter 16**

Travis Johnson drug Natalie out of the hospital after the gun went off. Natalie's face was stained from silent tears that were running down her face from when she saw John get shot. She felt helpless and afraid but she knew he was in the best place possible for such injury. They would work on him quick and help him. She sighed briefly knowing she had to keep it together long enough to get herself out of this.

She heard the sirens and so did Travis as he was unraveled by just hurting John. He grabbed her tighter and threw her towards a car.

"Get in" he told her and she was just waiting for a chance to get the upper hand, but now wasn't the time. She got in the car as he demanded and then he pushed her head down as they saw the police cars surround the Hospital entrance.

Natalie was on the floor of the car. He had his hand pushing her down and not releasing her as she started to work on talking herself out of this one.

"I know you didn't mean that" she said as he still held her down towards the floor.

"Mean what" he said tensely as he released her and she moved herself up in the seat. He still held John's gun along with the scalpel and she knew she needed to be smart.

"That man, I could tell you didn't mean for the gun to go off" she told him and she saw a slight break thru, very slight but his edge was dulling a bit.

"You just don't seem like the type to me, to kill someone for no reason, I mean that guy... the one I saw you discarding in the bushes. He was probably a very bad man. I can look at you and see that you're the type of person that could only hurt someone by accident or if they had it coming to them." she said and he looked at her, she froze inside. This was either going to work or it wasn't. She looked across the dashboard of the car and saw Bruce run out of the hospital talking frantically to some other officers.

"We have to leave now, those men are police, if they catch you here…" she told him hoping to get him to trust her. Travis looked at her and then looked at the police gathering outside the Hospital. He started the car and slowly drove away from the hospital. After a few minutes of silence Natalie spoke softly again.

"What did he do? That bad man" she asked him as she saw him turn off onto a nearby dirt road just outside the city part of Llanview. He stopped the car; she took a deep breath in and watched his face.

"He took someone from me. Someone I loved, someone I can't live without" he told her and she sighed quickly as she saw him put the car into park and start talking.

"She was everything to me. She was my light at the end of a dark life and now she's gone. They took her," he told her and he started breaking down a bit.

"I'm sorry," she said softly and she placed her hand on his that was resting on the steering wheel still holding the gun. He brushed her hand off his and looked into her face.

"No you're not. You couldn't possibility be. You couldn't possibility begin to understand what I've been thru. No one can" he said but didn't stop talking

"I mean our relationship, our marriage wasn't ... well... It wasn't always the best but... she loved me and in her own way… It was one-sided at times but not always" he told her and she now knew there was more to killing Dr's then just Sheryl Johnson dying on the operating table.

"One-sided, now that I can relate to. Been there done that," she told him and he looked at her curiously.

"You know then, how it feels to love someone so intensely put up with all there shit because with out them you feel like nothing, less than nothing. I was nobody before I met her. She was everything and then... then she cheated with some DR, said he was better than me. I Loved Her Damn it! I did it all for her. Do you think she had ever loved me the same, No, one-sided, I loved her till the day she died, and get this... she died on the operating table under a Dr's care. Isn't that a kick in the ass." he said and he broke down completely.

"You poor man. Its funny how one person in a relationship always seems to love more, pick up the slack more, just give more" she told him, and this was definitely a subject she knew, she could relate too.

"How you just do anything to please that person. You'd care and love that person your whole life even if it meant giving up yourself, who you are inside" she told him and he looked at her. A few tears started to run down his cheeks.

Natalie saw he was an emotional wreck. She took her hand and softly and gently started to take the gun from him. He saw her hand on his, taking the gun and tightened his grip on it for a second.

"I have nothing to lose," he told her

"Yes, you do" she told him and within a few minutes he handed her over the gun. Natalie was about to tell him to get out of the car slowly when next thing she knew the car was boxed in by two police cars and Bruce was coming out of one slowly with his gun drawn.

Natalie stepped out of the car with the gun in tack pointing also at Travis Johnson. Bruce saw she had the gun and he motioned for a few officers to go arrest Travis as he grabbed Natalie aside.

'Good work Buchanan, you want a ride to back to the hospital' he asked her knowing she needed to get back to see John.

"How... How..." she started to talk but it was all really hitting her now, he seemed to be shot pretty bad.

"They rushed him right into a operating room. They'll take good care of him," he told her as he drove, and after a few minutes he asked her about what went on wit Travis Johnson.

'How'd you do it? get the gun away from him"

"I talked to him, about something I can relate to' she said and he approached the hospital, she didn't wait for the car to stop, she jumped out of it.

"Eve" she said as she entered the hospital

"Natalie, you're okay? He'll be so happy to see that when he gets out of surgery"

"They're trying to remove the bullet they say its lodged in between to vertebra and its a bit challenging but they'll do it and without any complications, I just know it" Eve said as she smiled weakly at Natalie.

'Not a good week for the McBain's is it?" the woman said as Marcie came out wheeling Michael out to see his mom. Michael looked briefly at Natalie as he saw her start to walk towards the chapel. On her way to the chapel Natalie heard Ron's voice and she looked up.

"Hey, are you alright? I just heard and headed over" he asked her and he tried to pull her into him, she refused his gesture.

"No, its time I take care of myself again" she told him as she continued to walk to the chapel.

Natalie walked into the chapel and went to the back of the room. she lit a candle and then took a seat. She held her face in her hands and sat there like that for a few minutes. She said a silent pray for him to be alright and she left the chapel after an little while, she walked back out into the waiting area with John's family and waited, waited for news on the success of the surgery and just to make sure he was alright.

She saw Michael and she went over near him. She sat in the chairs next to his wheel chair and turned to him.

"Always waiting around for John aren't we?" he asked and she nodded yes.

"Yes, but its my last time. I can't afford to wait anymore," she told him as they saw the Dr's walk over to everyone. Natalie moved herself in the back of the conversation, they were his family, and she wasn't. She listened closely and she heard them say he would be fine, no compilations, she let out a breath of air she didn't know she was holding as she started to walk away. She walked out of the hospital.


	17. Chapter 17

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**Chapter 17**

Six hours later John woke to an empty room. He was still groggy and had to think for a minute to remember where he was and what had happened. He thought real hard and finally remembered it. Travis Johnson, the hospital killer, had a scalpel to Natalie's throat. Then he had handed over his gun and had been shot.

"Natalie" he said, jumping up straight in his bed in a state of panic and worry as he heard the door of his room open. He held his back a bit but barely felt the pain as he started to try and get out of the bed.

"Whoa... Take it easy bro, you just had major surgery six hours ago" Mikey told him as he helped to push him back into the bed. Michael ditched the wheel chair into the corner of the room and took the seat next to John's bed.

'Weird Huh? Both of us hurt in the same week?" he said joking, trying to lighten the mood.

"Where's Natalie? Is she okay?" he asked still frantic until he knew she was alright.

"Calm down john, she's fine, she wasn't even hurt. Actually she talked the guy into giving himself up," he told his brother and Michael saw the look on John's face. He was confused and upset all in one.

"Can you send her in, I need to see her for myself" he asked Michael wondering why he wasn't here when he woke up.

"I can't do that, John. She's not around"

"What? Wasn't she here? Where is she?" he asked and Michael saw the unwarranted hurt on John's face.

"She left as soon as she knew you'd be alright'

'Well can you call her for me, tell her I'm awake, that I need to see her" he asked Michael somewhat desperately.

"No can do John, she went away for a few weeks" Michael told him and John couldn't believe it. She just left, while he was still in recovery she went on a vacation.

'Is she alone?" was all he asked next and Michael shook his head yes.

"Get out" John told Michael, tensely at first but then apologized.

'I'm sorry, I want t o be alone" John said softer and Michael understood.

John closed his eyes; he felt the pain in his back. His meds had obviously worn off but he didn't ask for more. He wanted to feel it, all the pain, every bit of it, including the pain in his heart.

He had woken up and she wasn't here. He knew it wasn't right for him to have expected her to be here waiting for him to wake up but he had expected it. Not just from his surgery realized. He was expecting her to sit around and wait but till he was ready. He realized he had always expected her to sit around and wait for him, expected her to wait forever. They were apart for almost a year and yet he still expected her to help him, are there for him, He had expected her to heal him almost. 'How unfair and demented was that?' he asked himself. He closed his eye's trying so desperately to think about a time when he was there for her, just waiting for her, showing her how he felt about her.

John opened his eye's quickly, stunned by his realizations. He couldn't think of a time when he had been there for her, at least not like he should have been. He remembered the times he saved her from serial killers but. But that technically was his job… Although he worked more intensely on her cases with her involved he had never been completely, emotionally there for her. When the tornado hit and she could've died on the floor of that church he held her leg till the medics came, he made promises of changing yet he never did.

After that she told him time and time again about what she wanted in life, about having a family. He just ignored it and took her and her dreams for granted. He was so emotionally closed off for such things in life that he didn't even try. So he took her and her dreams for granted, until she just couldn't take it any more. John knew he couldn't blame her when she left him causing him in turn to leave town. He wanted to make things easier on her. He knew leaving town would make her have to move on... it was probably the one unselfish thing he had done for her. Yet... yet he still wanted her. He came back briefly and knew she was the same as him. they couldn't stay away from each other, couldn't ignore the force that pulled them together.

John's thoughts came around full circle as he heard the door open and he saw Bo walk in.

"Hey, how are you? You look good John" Bo told him and John smiled weakly.

"I've been better," he told him

"I guess you probably have, haven't you'

"Yeah, when I had your niece by my side" he told the older gentleman. Bo smiled

"Yeah, I bet" he told him

Natalie had been gone for four days when she had the Buchanan jet fly her into the Vegas airport. She had started her trip. Her vacation of spending a few days on a secluded beach in Florida when she decided she wanted a bit more action to her trip, and she picked Vegas. She had thought about why she picked Vegas, why come to Vegas for a trip that was suppose to clear her head, to find herself. She sighed, 'it kinda all started here didn't it?' she asked herself. She kinda lost herself here. Made some bad mistakes here that started the dominoes of her live to fall. What better place than here to put those dominos back in place. And… and well she loved casino's. She needed to have some fun and this would be the place. Fun capital of the world she thought and she forced herself to smile.

An hour later Natalie found herself being let into her suite by one of the hotel mangers.

"I'm sorry… I requested a room not a suite," she told the nice manger

"Ms. Buchanan, your grandfather stays with us every time he's in Vegas. I would be a fool to put Asa Buchanan's granddaughter in anything but the best" the gentlemen told her and he smiled. She briefly smiled back at him and continued walking thru the suite, it was beautiful, she looked to the table in the bedroom, there were at least four-dozen roses in vases on the oversized table. A range of colors from red to bright pink.

"And the flowers, is that normal procedure for sucking up to a billionaires granddaughter?" she asked laughing and the man laughed too.

"No actually, those were sent here for you' he told her and she looked at him curiously

"Really" she said and she walked closer to them looking for a card.

"No card" she said as she smiled, she was pretty sure they were from her family. Who else would possibly be sending her flowers? It couldn't have been Ron; she ended things for good with him before she got on the plane.

Natalie tipped the man and he left, telling her if she needed anything to just call him direct, day or night.

Natalie started taking her stuff from her suite cases and placing them into the draws of the dresser in the bedroom when she heard a knock on the door of her suite. She shook her head, what was this now? She walked over to the door and asked who it was.

"But I didn't order any room service?" she told the hotel employee as he wheeled in a cart full of food. Natalie pulled the tin cover off the plate of food to see a burger and fries sitting upon it and smiled. Then she noticed the hotel employee take a large box of something and go towards the refrigerator in the kitchen area of the suite, she followed him over.

"Whats going on?" she said confused again.

"I was told to stock your refrigerator with your favorite beer MS. Buchanan"

"Was told by who? I didn't request it" she asked him and he just shrugged his shoulders and went on about his business, the employee excused himself and Natalie was still a bit confused. She shook off her confusion as she sat in the huge suite eating her perfectly cooked burger and fries. She enjoyed every last bit of it. She decided the night was still young and changed her clothes quickly, deciding to take a walk to the casino.

Natalie looked around the casino floor as she walked with a huge grin was on her face. She loved it, she loved casinos. Although she was not a big fan of the actual gambling part because of what it cost her growing up she still nonetheless loved casinos. She loved the action, the smell even. There was a distinct smell to casinos whether smoking areas or non-smoking areas. They had a certain smell to them, she never could figure out what it was.

Natalie continued to walk for a few hours. She never did gamble. When she was so exhausted that she made her way back to her room. She unlocked her door with the key and found a package waiting for her on the table in the living room area of the suite. This is getting really odd, she told herself as she opened it up.

She let out a small laugh as she took the PJ's from the box. They had puppies on them and she couldn't help but smile from ear to ear. She was a bit confused for another moment when she chalked it up to Jessica, it had to be Jess, or…it... could be John… nah… she told herself. It wasn't even possible for it to be John; he was still in the hospital.

Natalie put her puppy jammies on and got under the covers of the king size bed. She rolled herself to the middle and tucked the covers up under her arms as she stared at the ceiling. She sighed not being able to sleep. She tossed and turned for a few minutes she started to get lost in thoughts, in a place she told herself she didn't want to go this trip, this vacation, thoughts of John.


	18. Chapter 18

**ABC owns them**

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**Chapter 18**

Natalie woke in the late morning the next day. she was so exhausted with all the traveling she did over the past few days that once she actually fell asleep she was out and cold. She was just finishing up her hair as she heard a knock on her door.

"I didn't order room service," she told them again as they started to wheel the cart in ignoring her, she stood at the door slightly annoyed. She closed the door and called the front desk.

"Yes, this is Ms. Buchanan in… Yes I slept well thank you. I… I've been getting all this room service that I haven't been asking for, what? Yes, the food is wonderful but… I want to leave my room and eat in the dinning room. Yes that is my room number but I haven't been ordering it, I think its some type of mistake. Yes, I'll hold" Natalie was on hold for a few minutes, she uncovered the dishes and she smiled. They were all her favorite breakfast foods. French toast just the way she liked it with the powdered sugar on top, orange juice without pulp, a pot of coffee too.

"Yes, I'm still here, never mind. The breakfast is just perfect, thank you," she told the front desk. She pulled up a chair and began to eat her breakfast and read her paper. She finished eating and then decided to go do some gambling for a while and maybe even go visit some of the other casinos. She locked her door and was walking thru the halls unaware of his presence.

John saw her as she left her room. That was what he was waiting for. He had hoped to catch up with her in Florida but after just having surgery less than a week ago the Doctors advised him not to fly just yet. Although he hollered and got a bit pissy about it he decided to wait it out. He knew he was no good to her if he was hurt more by not listening to doctor's orders.

John continued to watch her leave and he took the key out of his pocket. Bo had helped John to set this up for her, for them. John shook his head, it seemed what a Buchanan wanted a Buchanan got, and he laughed. Bo had made arrangements for him to get an extra key to her suite.

He opened the door with his key and went inside. He then called downstairs to the front desk and asked them to please send up the stuff he had asked them to hold for him. Ten minutes later John took the bags from the hotel employees and went to work to surprise her.

Natalie entered the suite, she had been gone most of the day, it was around seven, and she wanted to shower and get ready to go out for dinner tonight. She walked into the bedroom and into the bathroom. She turned the shower on full blast not noticing anything around her. After she showered and dressed in the bathroom. She came out to get the brush for her hair over by the table near the bed when she looked at it in confusion.

There were conversation hearts all over the bed; she studied them for a minute. After a moment she noticed they spelt something out.

"On the Balcony" she said out loud, she smiled but thought this was a bit weird as she looked to the floor for the first time since entering the room. There was a trail of rose petals leading towards the balcony doors and she followed it, very confused. She opened the doors slowly and she saw him standing there.

John wore a suit and wasn't facing her. He heard her open the doors but he didn't turn. He just spoke.

"I'm not turning around cause I don't want to see your face, not yet anyway. I... I don't know if I could take seeing the anger in them if this has made you mad and I'm a bit nervous it may have but... but before you decide if you're mad or not you need to listen to me, alright?" he told her still not facing her. She didn't answer for a few minutes.

"Natalie?" he asked just making sure she didn't leave. He hadn't heard her leave but she was so silent.

"Oh, I'm aloud to talk?" she said in a tone he was insecure about. Sometimes she used that tone to kid around but other times that same tone could be used for being mad. He took a deep breath and began to tell her.

"I just want to know if it's to late. To late for a redo or to undo mistakes, all my mistakes. All the ones I've made with you" he told her and he heard her take a breath as if she was going to say something but he opened up his mouth first.

"I'm basically asking for another chance. I... I know I've asked before and no one could blame you for saying no but this time, I'm going to show you how different it is for me. How different it will be for us. All I'm asking Natalie is a chance to make it right for you, for us," he told her and he waited for a word from her. He heard her sit in a chair they had out there.

'This is ridiculous John, turn around" she told him and he did. She was dressed in a pretty short blue dress that made her eyes shine a brighter shade of blue. Her hair was still wet and wavy and he thought she never looked more beautiful.

Natalie stared into his eyes for a few minutes. She would love to just give him another chance, but...

"John... I would love to give you a chance but... but roses and puppy pajama's aren't going to be enough right now. I'm not sure what would be enough right now. As much as my heart wants to say lets give it a try, my brain is screaming no" she told him.

"Natalie. I Love you but... I'm thinking words aren't enough now. Not after all this time that has passed. I need to be able to show you that I'm in this thing too. That it's just not all about you making me better, or taking care of me. Just let me show you over this next week, please. I'll prove it to you. I'll show you that I can say it now and I can show it too." he told her and her eye's got teary. He moved closer to her put his hand out and wiped a few stray tears from her cheeks, he let his hand linger on her face.

Natalie looked up at him, this man who had the capability to hurt her more than anything else in life because she loved him so much. He had finally said t he words to her, the words she had waited so long to here years ago and that never came. But she wasn't sure they were enough. He wanted to prove it to her. She looked in thru the glass doors into the room and saw all the flowers, the roses. He was already trying to show her wasn't he, she shook her head yes and she saw him smile.

" Alright but... one thing... we take things slow this week. Have some fun like we use to and then we'll see how things went at the end of the trip," she told him and he smiled brighter. He reached in with his lips and took hers in a deep kiss. After a few minutes of kissing she pulled away.

"That's not taking it slow" she said, kidding but also proving a point. He backed away from her as he continued to look into her eyes.

"Hungry?" he asked and she smiled. "Yes, actually I am, what no room service tonight?" she asked joking now knowing he was the one to send the room service last night and this morning.

"No, I thought I'd take you out to dinner tonight, somewhere nice"

"Sounds good but... but let me ask you... why? Why send the room service?" she asked curious to why he did.

"Well... I just didn't want you out and about at restaurants here in Vegas without me. I was a bit nervous someone... might try and pick you up or something so I... Okay, I know it was wrong but I was trying to keep you in your room till I could get here." he told her his warped reasoning and she couldn't help but laugh.

"How are you? You were just shot" she asked him all serious for a minute, he took her hand and started walking them inside the french doors.

"I'm fine now, better than fine. I have you by my side" he told her, slightly sentimental and she almost couldn't believe it. Was this really John McBain? She asked herself inside.

Two hours later they were still sitting at one of the Restaurant in the Casino having dinner. They had finished eating at least an hour ago and just couldn't stop talking, catching up actually. Natalie told him story after story of the weird things that happened at the LPD over the last year. John told her of the unusual cases he worked out of the NY FBI office.

"So that Bruce guy, he seems like a handful" John told her and saw her laugh.

"A few handfuls actually" she said Joking " he's really a great guy when you get to know him, a bit of a flirt but a great guy and a really good detective. Oh... that reminds of the time he mooned a perp." she told him laughing

"What?" he asked shocked at what she had just said. She just laughed at his straight face.

"You're serious aren't you?" he asked and she couldn't stop laughing. He to start laughing too as she explained the story to him.

"You really should've seen the perps face… hell! You should've seen Carl's and my uncle's face…Priceless." she told him after concluding the story and saw his face. He looked... upset by her story of Bruce.

"John... you do know you have nothing to worry about with Bruce right, I mean Ron maybe..." she said and she smiled at him, she wouldn't be making this that easy on him, no she told herself. He was going to work for this.

"Well, when it comes to Bruce you have nothing to worry about he's gay" she said and John's mouth dropped to the floor.

"No! I didn't expect that, he certainly does seem the type," he told her and she laughed after shocking him.

"Gotcha! He's not," she told him and he smirked at being so gullible

"Oh, that wasn't nice, not at all" he told her and she laughed, the bill came, John grabbed for it before she could take it.

"John let me just put it to my room. This trip is being comp'ed or something like that, my grandfather he s--" she was trying to tell him as he shook his head no.

"No, this is a date. The man always pays on the first date" he told her matter of factly and took care of it. Twenty minutes later they were on the casino floor walking around taking in the action.

They walked in complete silence for a few minutes when he reached over and took her hand. he held it as they just observed all the action in the casino. After a little bit he turned to her.

"You wanna play slots?" he asked her and she shook her head no.

"What do you want to do?" he asked her and she stared into his blue eye's.

"Not really sure, it's late, bu-"

"You're right let's go back to our suite," he told her as they were walking but she stopped to look at him.

"Our suite?" she asked him softly but confused.

"Yeah, the hotel was sold out, I'm sleeping on the couch" he told her with a smirk, she just raised an eyebrow with her next words.

"Sold out huh? Sleeping on the couch Huh? " She told him skeptical, and she laughed.

They walked into the elevator, the very crowded elevator going up towards their suite, there wasn't much room for them to stand, and there bodies were very close. Natalie was turned around and she was facing him as he stared at her lips. He, without thinking, reached in with his and took hers in an elevator full of people.

Natalie felt his lips as she felt people pushing her a bit out of the way to exit the elevator on their floor. She was lost in his lips for a few minutes then she pulled away from him. At this point they were the only two people left in the elevator.

"You do know that kiss was a public display of affection?" she asked him kidding around and he smiled.

"Nope, it couldn't be we're all alone" he told her as she looked around and noticed he was right. She shook her "smart ass" she said as they came to there floor.

John and Natalie walked into the suite it was almost midnight, Natalie faced him.

"I had a nice time Good night John," she said as she kissed his cheek gently. She was pulling away from his cheek when he gently grabbed her arms and his lips took hers in a heated kiss. After a few minutes he released her arms slowly and backed up. Her eyes were closed for a few minutes and then she opened them to meet his gaze.

"On the couch" she told him as she pried herself away from him.

John went into the bathroom and changed into sweats for the night. He laid himself down on the couch with an extra blanket and pillow he found in the closet. He closed his eyes and his mind started to wonder off somewhere in there past.

Natalie put on her puppy pajamas and shook her head. She reminded herself she needed to ask him why puppies not kitties or could he not remember. She pulled the covers up on her but she couldn't get to sleep.

Natalie tossed from side to side as she tried so desperately to get comfortable. She tried so desperately to give in to exhaustion but she couldn't. She tried to clear her head but there was something that was bothering her, him.

She had such a good time tonight with him. He was being so cute; she had only seen bits and pieces of him like this before in the past but now. Now he was different, light even. Why? Why all of a sudden? And would it last, yeah, she told herself, it might last this week, but would it last when they got back to Llanview, and was he coming back to Llanview? He had been in NY for the past year working again for the Feds.

Natalie brought her hands to her face and rubbed her gently. She couldn't help but be doubtful of things, negative. Yeah, she told herself, he told her finally that he loved her but as important as that was there were other things important. She couldn't just let him in her life again if they wanted different things. Natalie knew he was still emotionally scared, so to speak, and would that cause him to not want the same things as her, in life. She was now more confused that ever. She told him she'd give him a week and take things from there but... but she could never settle for less again; settle on giving up on her dreams.

As Much as Natalie knew she loved him, as much as she knew she could overlook some little things, she wouldn't be unfair to herself. She wanted a husband, children, a family; she had wanted those things for a very long time. Before John McBain came into the picture and she still wanted those things to this day and no one, nothing, not even an 'I love you' from the man she loved would ever again keep her from what she wanted in life.


	19. Chapter 19

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**Chapter 19**

The next morning when Natalie woke up she went out into the living room to see him still very much asleep. She sighed when she saw him crumpled up like a ball on the small couch. She took a seat on the chair facing the couch and watched him as he slept. He was so beautiful but she knew that. He was so dark and mysterious and she knew that to. She took a deep breath in, she hoped, no she prayed, he would realize maybe he had the same dreams as her, that he wanted the same things as her again. She saw him open his eye's and she smiled weakly.

"Morning" she said as he started to get up off the couch. He stretched his arms a bit and stood.

'Morning" he said and he went over to her for a quick morning kiss. She smiled at him but he noticed her smile didn't quite reach her eyes and he worried she was having second thoughts about spending the week with him. Second thoughts about giving him this chance to make things up to her.

"Natalie... I love you," he told her and her smile got brighter, showed in her eyes this time.

"Thanks John" she told him and he smiled. "Anytime" he said giving her another quick kiss then walked into the bathroom.

A few minutes later he came out and sat across from her on the couch.

"Do you want to order breakfast or go out for it?" he asked her and she thought for a minute.

" I wanna go out for breakfast and then I'd... well... I'd like to go play some pool, if that's alright?" she asked and he got concerned for a minute. 'Did she want to go play pool by herself?' he asked himself. He was feeling a bit insecure, but he wasn't going to let it show.

"Whatever you want Natalie. We can have breakfast and then if you want to play pool that's fine. I'll just meet you later," he told her and she looked at him confused. He got up and walked away for a few minutes feeling a bit discouraged. She got up from the couch, went over to him before he was into the other room, and touched his shoulder.

"John, I meant with you, for us to play some pool together. Maybe even at the casino where the Pool tournament was all those years ago. I've never been back there," she told him and he turned slowly

"Really? I just thought maybe you need a little alone time, away from me. I thought maybe you were having second thoughts about giving me this week to undo some of my mistakes," he told her and she looked into his eyes.

"I meant it John. I meant that I would give you a chance this week and we would evaluate things after that" she told him, leaning in and kissing him gently on the lips. He pulled her waist to him and deepened their kiss. She pulled away from him and smiled.

"We need to get dressed" she told him and they both went to a different bathroom in the large suite.

Two hours later they walked into the closed off poolroom. John had arranged for them to get access to it. When they entered the room Natalie automatically went over to the wall and removed a stick. She was caught up in her thoughts, in her memories of that time in her life. In remembering that day and thinking of all that had transpired because of that day.

John saw her get lost in her head and was scared. He was afraid of what might be coming next. For a long time she had resented him because of his part in that day. He feared being here and that being together would bring up all the unhappiness in her life that followed that day, that one tournament that had changed both their lives forever.

"Wanna play?" she asked, coming out of her memories. She smiled weakly but he didn't answer her. He instead walked around the pool table then finally spoke.

"Yeah... in a few minutes but I wanna tell you something, I think I knew back then, probably the first time I laid my eye's on you at crossroads. I think I knew you were something, that you were everything. I somehow knew even then you would become everything to me," he told her. She sighed lightly as he continued.

"Damn. I used to love to watch you play. Nothing gets to you; you never choke. You focus and block the world out, and that's sort of what I'm trying to do with this week. I 'm trying to block everything out but what I feel for you and what you feel for me. I'm not sure you can understand that but that's sort of the only way I know how to explain it," he said. She nodded her head that she understood.

"My pieces fell here, that day all because of my stubborn selfish pride," she told him. He was about to say something but she spoke again first.

"But... I'm not sure it wasn't supposed to happen. I mean…you and I…I always felt connected to you, still do. Maybe… I don't know. I just don't want to talk about the tournament or think about it anymore. Its long gone, we've all moved on from it and its presence in my memories aren't that important anymore," she told him, bringing her self back into a happier state

"Now… are you ready to lose McBain?" she told him. He smiled but he had one last thing to say.

"I'm ready to beat your ass Buchanan but first… first one last thing I need to tell you. You had guts that day. You've had guts everyday of your life. Life has handed you a raw deal at almost every turn and yet… yet you still survive it, you've learned from it. Natalie… you are my hero," he told her and he smiled. He could see the tears in her eyes. He walked closer and knew he needed to lighten the mood it was too serious and that wasn't what he wanted for this week.

"Are ya gonna break or what?" he told her. She got herself back under control and they started playing pool.

Natalie and John had a wonderful rest of the day, with Natalie winning almost every game of pool they played but one. She was still gloating over her beating his ass when they went back to the suite to get ready for dinner.

Natalie was in the bedroom getting dressed when John knocked on her bedroom door.

"Hey, can I come in for a minute, if you're dressed" he asked and he heard her scream to come in. he walked in and saw her as she walked out of the adjoining bathroom. She looked so beautiful, her hair was up, and she wore a short green dress with no sleeves. She was fixing her earring when she walked out to see him looking all serious like.

"Whats up?" she asked when she saw his face.

John had wanted to ask if she minded if they just stayed in the room tonight for dinner, he wanted to spend some time just the two of them reconnecting how they use to, alone and in private. But... but just looking at how dressed up she was and beautiful she was, he knew she probably wanted to go out.

"No, Nothings up. Are you almost ready to go?" he asked

"Yep. Just about ready."

Twenty minutes later John and Natalie were waiting outside one of the best restaurants in the casino. It was crowded and it would be another fifteen minutes before they would be seated.

Natalie looked around the crowded restaurant and then looked over at John, she smirked at him a bit.

John looked at Nat's face and knew what she was thinking.

"Dinner in the suite?" she asked and he smiled more

"Was hoping you'd ask that" he told her. He took her hand, held it, and led them back to the suite.

"So... what do you want from room service?" he asked her as they walked into the suite and over by the couch. Natalie walked away from him and towards the bedroom.

"I don't know… Surprise me," she told him and went into the room to change into her PJ's.

John placed the order for dinner and then saw her walk back out in the Puppy PJ's he had sent her. He smiled as he took her in; she had her hair up in a ponytail and she looked so cute.

Natalie saw him smile and she walked over to him with a smile matching his.

"Why?" she asked him and he was a bit confused

"Why what?" he asked her back as she came closer to him. He looked into her eyes and saw her smile, her bright smile, and her beautiful face. He forgot about anything else for a minute. He just reached up and kissed her.

At first there kiss was a slow shallow kiss but then it became a bit urgent, a bit deep, and long. A deep kiss that ignited both of their temperatures. John started breathing heavy when they pulled apart for a few minutes to catch their breath.

"Why puppies and not kitties?" she asked right before he reclaimed her mouth. They continued to kiss for a few minutes when there was a knock on the door, Room service. They smiled as their lips parted and John moved to answer the door. He turned back to her to see she was now sitting at the small table in the room waiting for the food to be wheeled in.

"Never thought you much of a cat person. I figured you preferred dogs and puppies, big dogs actually. That's what I see you liking when I look at you," he told her right before he let the man with the food in.

Natalie smiled as she turned away from him. He really did know her, didn't he? Those kitty Pajamas she had back then, the ones that he remembered, Jess had bought them for her birthday. Her smile widened as he looked into her eye's after the hotel employee left the room.

"What?" he told her, now smiling even more

"I do like dogs better" she said and he laughed. He reached his hand down and took hers as he helped her up and towards their dinner.

Natalie opened the cover over the dish and smiled as she saw what he had ordered her.

"Steak, and mashed potatoes" she said with a bright smile

"Yep, your favorite, did you think I would forget something like that?" he asked now smiling as bright as her.

"No... I guess... I didn't. I'm glad you didn't," she told him as they started to eat dinner.

They finished dinner within an hour and looked at each other.

"Its only ten, did you want to go out dancing or anything?" she asked him and he saw the look on her face when she said dancing, he knew she loved to dance.

"Dancing huh?" he told her and she looked into his blue eyes.

"Whatever you want." he told her and she shook her head, " nah, its okay, not really into fighting the crowds tonight or being around a lot of people. I'm kinda enjoying it just being the two of us," she told him and he walked over to her. He put out one finger as he got an idea.

"Give me a minute," he told her and she got curious. The next thing she knew he had dimmed the lights and music was playing thru out the room. She saw John walking towards her in the living room area. He was acting all serious and held his hand out to her.

"May I have this dance?" he asked her and she took his hand. His arm came around her waist and they started to slow dance around the room.

He led her around the room. His touch on her waist as he pulled her close felt so good, so right. Her knees felt week as they continued to dance. So far this week he was definitely proving that this was about her. He was showing that this was about him caring about her and she only hoped it continued for the next two days and then when they went back to Llanview.

John's arms rested on her delicate waist. He was looked into her eyes, her beautiful eyes and couldn't believe what a jerk he had been. What a fool he was for taking her for granted for so long. He couldn't believe what an ass he was for being apart from her for a year. As he continued to look into her eyes he could see it all so clearly. The love he felt for her, the love she felt for him, their future together. For the first time in John's life he actually felt as if this was what was right, and that he would never let anything or anyone take this away from them, not ever. They were meant to be together forever and ever. He told himself as she laughed.

"What are you laughing about?" he asked her, "you, you're so serious and caught up in thought" she told him. He smiled, "yeah, I am" he told her and she could see in his eye's the desire for her, the desire she knew was mirrored in her eye's for him but... but she knew it wasn't right tonight. She just wasn't ready tonight. Natalie knew she needed to change things a bit before she did something, gave into something that she didn't think she was ready for yet.

"Wanna watch some television?" she asked and he nodded yes. They both sat on the couch and John took the remote. He started changing channels as Natalie did what felt right to her at this moment, what she wanted to do.

Natalie laid her head across his lap facing the TV and settled in, getting comfortable.

John felt her get comfortable on his lap. Her head, her arms lying on top of it and he let out a sigh. It was hard having her so close and not touching her, not making love to her but he didn't want to rush things. John wanted to leave things to her. She would set the pace and they both knew that. He smiled after he sighed. Having her snuggling on him felt so natural, he loved the way it felt. He loved how her shiny red hair cascaded down his legs. He started touching the ends of her hair. Playing with it for a few minutes when he felt her start to fall asleep.


	20. Chapter 20 Smut

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**Chapter 20 (smut)**

Natalie woke up in the bedroom in the middle of the king sized bed. She looked around and wondered how she got here. The last thing she remembered was laying her head on his lap and getting comfortable. Natalie smiled to herself, 'he must have moved me,' she told herself as she glanced on the clock, it was 9.

"Holy crap, its late" she told herself as she jumped up in bed. Natalie got up and walked into the bathroom. She noticed a note taped to the bedroom door that led out into the living room.

"N... Relax and don't come out of the bedroom, I'll come for you when its time...J" Natalie read the note out loud, she got a curious look on her face, she went into the bathroom and showered for the day.

Natalie had showered and dressed an hour ago and sat on the edge of the bed with the TV on. She was impatiently waiting for him to come a get her when she heard a few choice words from the other room.

'Damn! Fucking thing" Natalie heard John scream out as she got laughed at his obvious frustration with something.

"John" Natalie called out to him thru the door

"Natalie. Don't come out here," he told her

"John, whats going on? Is everything alright?" she asked him, putting her ear to the door.

"Everything is fine, watch TV or something, I'll be done soon"

"Done doing what?" she asked

"You'll see. It's a surprise. Don't come out here, Natalie," he told her

"Fine, soon, alright?" she told him

Twenty-five minutes later Natalie saw the bedroom door open but she didn't see John. She got up from her seat walked into the living room.

Natalie looked around and a smile as bright as the sun formed on her face. The whole suite was decorated with strings of white lights, she walked into the living room a bit more and she saw a blanket, some throw pillows, and a cooler with beer.

She continued to walk around; she even saw a tent for two set up in the far end of the room. Natalie was still walking around mesmerized when she heard him clear his throat.

"You like?" he asked and he knew by the look on her face that she did

"It's the roof, its suppose to be our roof?" she asked him and he nodded his head.

John took a few deep breaths as he walked over to her. He stared into her eyes and took her hand in his. He led them to the blanket and they both laid down on it.

Natalie looked at him and stared into his big baby blue eyes. She couldn't keep the smile from her face. It was the roof. She told herself sighing inside, our roof. Although Natalie enjoyed everything he did for her this week, each special thing, this one was the best, her favorite. The roof was always their thing, the place they connected at, on. They made love for the first time on their roof and that was what she wanted to do more than anything now. Make love to him, here on this blanket in this indoor roof he set for them.

"Hungry?" he asked her and saw she was. her eye's told him she was but he wasn't quite sure it was food she was hungry for. He knew she hadn't had breakfast, neither of them had. He passed her a muffin and watched as she started to eat it.

John too ate a quick muffin. He watched her eyes, as she did his, never wavering as they did. No words were spoken, none were needed. John handled her a glass of juice, he watched as she gulped some of it down, washing down the muffin and he smiled at how fast she was about it. 'Was she anxious about something?' He asked himself, 'To do something?' he asked himself again. John smiled knowing he was just as anxious as she, maybe more so.

"This really is nice," she said looking away slightly for a minute. She looked at the tent in the corner. "A tent? We never had a tent on the roof" she asked him.

"I know, I just always thought about putting a tent up there for us to hang out in, you know when the weather wasn't the greatest" he told her and she smiled.

"Beer huh?" Natalie asked and she laughed "how long of a date were you planning? " she laughed a bit, "it is only 11 in the morning" she told him and he laughed but then he got serous for a minute, he reached for her hand.

"I don't feel like leaving the suite at all today, how about you?" he asked her and he got his answer.

John got his answer not with words but with her actions. She just about threw herself on top of him, her lips came crashing down on his, and he wasted no time.

Natalie was lying on top of him, taking his lips urgently as if she couldn't get enough of them. Over and over as he dug his hands in her hair, pulling at it, deepening their kisses.

John's hand started moving its way down from her hair to her back as he broke their kiss for a minute. He pulled himself away from her for a moment and saw her open her eyes wide and look at him.

"John" she questioned at his departure from her lips.

"I just want you to make sure, I mean… I… it wasn't sex to me on the roof the last time. You aren't a whore and never could be. I… I loved you all those years ago, I loved you on the roof when Michael was hurt and I love you so much now" he told her, brushing a stray piece of hair behind her ear.

"John...I can't believe it… I… love you and... and if you don't make love to me soon I might explode," she told him, grinning from ear to ear. John grinned too, grabbed her head with his hand, and pulled her close for a deep kiss.

Natalie felt his hands start down her back, stopping them at the bottom of the hem of her shirt. She sat up a bit and he too pulled himself up to a half sitting position as she lifted at the bottom of her shirt. Pulling up and over her head she exposed her bra filled with her already ripe and hardening nipples.

John wasted no time bringing his mouth to her breast, still covered in her bra. He suckled them thru the cloth and then reached around to the her back and unhooked it, letting it fall to the ground as his mouth now tasted her nipples unobstructed.

While John's mouth was on her bare breast Natalie reached a hand down and started to undo some of the buttons on his shirt. She felt his tongue torture her sensitive nipple and she lost all control of her actions on his shirt, she ripped at the buttons, needing to feel his bare flesh. She needed his chest naked and touching hers.

Natalie moved her mouth towards his to distract his actions on her breasts. She lifted his chin and made his eye's met hers as she leaned in and took his lips deeply. She slid her arms around his back, he was still some what up against the floor, and pulled her upper bodies together to touch. Bare chest to bare chest; bare flesh to bare flesh.

Just was kissing and the touching was getting to be too much for them. Natalie rolled off of him for a second and pushed her pants and panties down and off.

John took the same opportunity she did as he reached down to his pants, undid them pushed them down his legs and onto the floor. He moved his hand to his boxers but her hand was already there, guiding them down his legs, caressing his penis and his thighs as she pushed them.

John smiled at her as he kicked them off. He rolled on top of her and started to kiss her again, impatient and not wanting to waste any more time.

Natalie was ready to explode. She so was beyond ready that if he didn't put himself inside her soon she feared she would lose control with just him kissing her. She arched her back, feeling his mouth moving down her body, traveling towards her breasts. She felt his hand go down to the sensitive area and she let out a loud scream as she felt him insert one and then two of his large fingers inside her.

It didn't take long and John had heard her beautiful music, the sounds that she made when pushing her to her brink. He didn't let up and he heard her now start to hum. Louder and quicker he heard her hum as he pushed his fingers inside her. He felt her inner muscles clench his fingers and begin to spasm and he knew her first orgasm was upon her, he didn't let up as he heard her gasp for air.

Natalie gasped for breath, she clenched the blanket under them in her fists. She felt the peak of her orgasm abate just a little but she knew there was more, she controlled it for a minute, not completely letting it go. She moved her pelvic muscles back in fourth inside as she waited to see if he remembered.

John wasted no time, he knew her, her body, even her orgasms so well, and she was far from over. She was waiting for him for her next one, the big one, as he often refereed to it as, the one that she lost all and everything she held inside. John quickly entered her canal with himself, he heard her scream out in passion and he felt her walks once again start to spasm, contract. He pushed himself into her deeper and deeper as he looked into her beautiful sweaty face and blue eye's.

Natalie's body reacted to him the minute he entered her with his hard length. Her legs wrapped around him and she started her movements around him as he pushed himself inside her deeply.

"JOHN" she screamed out as he felt her losing all control, her body contracted around him, he didn't let up as he pushed them both to the edge.

"I Love You Babe, I Love...YOU" he said as he closed his eye's and there bodies went over the edge together, still thrusting over and over for a few minutes as they came down from the joined contact.

John got off of her and lay next to her on his side. He saw her eyes were still closed, but he saw she wore a satisfied grin on her face. He smile at that look and he saw her eyes open, she turned slightly and looked at him.

"Are you going back to NY and the FBI?" she just came out and asked. She needed to know, she didn't necessarily think this was the appropriate time to ask but she needed to know.

He was about to answer her when she saw the confusion on his face and she retracted her question.

"I'm sorry… I don't...I don't" she said and he stopped her.

"No, I already quit that job," he told her and she smiled, but then her smile changed a bit.

"I've got a new one already… I sort of wanted to surprise you with it," he told her and she smiled knowing, well hoping, he was going to say what she thought he'd say.

"So does that mean I'm gonna have the reputation of sleeping with the boss again" she asked him joking. He smiled and laughed.

"OH. MY. Gosh. Natalie, that's just sick. You sleeping with your own Uncle like that, never mind he's the boss," he said laughing and joking, she sat up and smacked him gently

"You're a jerk, you know that?" she told him and laughed

"Yeah, been told that but you've always loved me anyhow," he told her and she kissed him gently and moved back down on the blanket and into his arms

"Yep, lucky me I love jerks" she told him and he kissed her this time.

A few minutes later Natalie eyes were closed and she was still facing him. He was swirling circles on her back as he held onto her tight. He softly spoke.

"I did take my old job back, Bo offered it back to me. I want us to go back, to be like we use to be," he told her; he knew she was awake.

Natalie heard his words and her body tensed instantly, his words, he took back his old job, he wanted things to go back to being the same, how it use to be. That wasn't what she wanted. She wanted it better than that, she wanted more. She took a deep breath before she opened her eyes, another big mistake, she told herself as she looked at him.

Natalie didn't say a word, just got out of his arms for a few minutes, he felt her move, he looked at her, there was something bothering her.

"Natalie, what's wrong?" he asked her and she walked into the bedroom

"I just have to go to the bathroom," she told him but for some reason he didn't buy it, he waited a few minutes as he followed her into the other room. He stood by the door and overheard her on the phone.


	21. Chapter 21

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**Chapter 21**

"Hey Jess its me... yeah I'm having a great time, do you have a few minutes to talk? Good... no I'm okay, there's no reason to worry... its... its just John is here, yeah... he's been here all week, he's been trying to make things up to me, he even told me he loves me almost a dozen times, yeah... I'm talking about the same John" Natalie told her sister into her cell phone as she chuckled with the last part.

"It's been unbelievable... yeah we've even made love... No Jess! You won't be getting any of those hot details" she said and laughed again, " how did you know there was a problem? Oh the twin thing and the fact that I sound strange for someone who's having a great time. Well... its... I'm still not sure... he's coming back home to Llanview, and... Well he seems to want things how they were before... yeah... but I can't have them like that again, I refuse to let go of my dreams again... of course I want those dreams with him, but... I don't think he's ready for them... no... We haven't spoken abut them... no! I'm not bringing it up... No, I'm not being stubborn again... I just don't know Jess, I might be waiting forever and ever for that life I've always wanted, a loving husband, three kids, a loving family...so you think I'm being ridiculous huh? By not saying a word to him... no! I'm not, he knows who I am, he's always known me and what I've wanted in life, he always got me, he knows what I'm looking for and I...I just don't want to get hurt again" she told her and sighed out loud, she was frustrated, she loved the jerk but she needed to move on.

"Jess, I just need to move on with or without him, as much as I love him, have ever loved him, I'm ready and I still doubt he will ever be... What? What will happen when we get back? ... Not a clue, I'm not sure if and when push comes to shove he will still be the sweet man that he's been here with me this week, I fear he could revert back to that arrogant ass he always does when work gets to him, or a case gets to him. I just need to protect my heart somehow, just not sure how" Natalie told her and took a break with her words, she listened to Jess for a few minutes.

"I know what you're saying, I just have to be careful... I know I'll be careful, give Brenna a kiss for me, tell her aunt Natalie will see her tomorrow when she gets back to town, I love you" Natalie told Jess and she got off the phone.

John was standing outside the door to the bathroom; she had taken herself in there to talk to her sister. He heard every word she said to her, all of it. He heard of her insecurities about him changing when they got back, him reverting back to an arrogant ass, but most of all he heard her say she wouldn't and couldn't afford to wait for him, even if she loved him so much.

John shook his head, she basically said she wouldn't put her dreams on hold again for him, she even said she wanted those dreams with him, that he should know about those dreams. He did know about her dreams, each and ever last one of them, they matched his, they always had, he just lost site of them when he got so wrapped up in his demons, his dad's murder. When he had become crippled emotionally for so long, he shook his head as he heard her come out of the bathroom, how? How did he show her he wanted those things, he couldn't just tell her, it wouldn't mean that much if he did, he needed to some how show her, but... how did he do that... they would be leaving for Llanview in the morning, early in the morning, he needed to act quick, come up with a plan, do something tonight.

John quickly walked into the living room and laid back down where she left him. He pretended to be asleep as he didn't see or hear her come from the bedroom, fifteen minutes later he heard her put something down on the table, and walk out the door of the suite, he opened his eye's and went over to the near by table.

Natalie had left him a note on the table, a note saying she wanted to get some shopping done, buy Brenna and Gabby some souvenirs and she didn't want to wake him from his afternoon nap. 'It was a good excuse' she told herself but she needed a bit more time to sort things out in her head alone.

John read her note, she said she went shopping and would be back later in time for dinner around 6. John knew he had to act quick come up with something. He wanted her to know, he wanted to show her that he wanted those things before they got back to Llanview. He wanted to show her things wouldn't be different once they got home.

John threw his clothes on and looked over to see a phone book on the nearby table that his pants were next too. He picked it up, started flipping thru it as he got an idea in his head.

Some time around six in the evening Natalie, a pretty buzzed Natalie entered the suite, she barely got the key card in the door and she almost fell coming into the room.

"Hey ya" she said as she saw him all dressed up and waiting on the couch for her to come back.

John took one look at her and she was on her way to being drunk, she was buzzed feeling no pain. He shook her head, he laughed even, and she was slurring her words and wasn't walking so straight.

John was dressed and had been waiting for her. He wanted to ask her to marry him tonight; he had a justice from one of the chapels on the strip coming to their suite in an hour to marry them even. He wanted to surprise her with that but she was drunk... how could he marry her drunk… he thought as he saw her take a seat on the couch.

John smirked; he would marry her tonight whether sober or drunk. She might not like the fact when they got back to Llanview but... She'd get over it, he loved her, and they loved each other.


	22. Chapter 22

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**Chapter 22**

"What the hell?" Natalie said as she heard the phone next to the bed ringing and quite loud, her head was hurting so bad and when she tried to sit up to answer it she saw John who was lying next to her already did.

"Hello" John said groggy into the phone as he looked at the clock next to the phone, "okay, yes, we'll be there, twenty minutes" John told her man on the other end of the phone

"Natalie, get up, we over slept, the Buchanan jet has been waiting at the airport for us for an hour, he can only wait a bit more or he'll get kicked off the runway" John told her as she saw her still laying down in bed. He got up and started grabbing their stuff.

"Oh. My God, my head hurts so bad" she said and she held it, " why does my head hurt so bad?" she asked him as she tried to focus on getting out of bed, john had disappeared into the bathroom for a few minutes and came back out with a few aspirin

"Take these, they'll help you to feel better, you drank to much last night, do you remember anything?" he asked her and she shook her head gently as she started to take the pills.

An hour later they were up in the sky flying back to Llanview in the Buchanan jet. Natalie head was feeling a bit better.

John was sitting next to her, she looked a bit pale probably from all the alcohol she had yesterday, he thought about what had occurred when she got back last night, back to the suite.

Flash back

"Whats up John? You...you dressed up," she said as she noticed him dressed up for something, but she was a bit drunk to understand anything.

"For dinner, hey... You want another drink, what exactly you been drinking all day?" he asked her and she smiled, she got a dopey look on her face," Tequila" she said "more please" she told him and he smiled.

End FB

John sat there on the silent plane watching her as she closed her eye's, she was his wife now, and she didn't even know it yet. He thought about when she found out, when he would get up the courage and the nerve to tell her that he married her when she was half drunk. Well how he actually helped to get her completely drunk so she would just go thru with it. He somehow got her to sign the papers and even to say I will, it was amazing how easy it was. But John wasn't stupid he knew... it wasn't going to be so easy once she finally found out, once he finally told her.

He really didn't want to trick her but he was desperate. He had it all planned, the justice would come at 7, and he would have already asked her. She would have said yes, they would be married before they went back home, she wouldn't doubt anything, that was the plan but... but the plan went to shit when she came back to the room half drunk.

So he moved forward with the plan anyway but at that point he needed to keep her drinking, if she sobered just a bit she would be pissed that he would even think of doing this while she was out of herself. She started to speak and his thoughts were lost for a few minutes.

" Wow, I must have drunk a lot last night huh? My head is still hurting a lot" she asked him as she turned to him, he smiled.

"Yeah, you did drink a lot, do you know why you were drinking so much yesterday, do you remember any of it?" he asked her and she thought about.

"Yeah, I remember some of it, I guess... I guess I shouldn't be so stubborn and tell you, tell you about why I left you in the suite, the real reason and probably why I was drinking so much, what I remember of it that is." she told him and he nodded his head.

John got a bit nervous inside, was she going to remember it, now that she thought so hard into it, he couldn't fear it, she loved him and he only hoped she wasn't mad about the drunk part. He reached other to her with his hand and stared into her eye's"

"I got upset with what you said after we made love, about going back to the way things use to be, I know I should have spoke to you about it, I would have expected you to talk it out with me but... it just upset me alright? There's things that I want out of life and I don't know if you want them too, or will ever want them and... and well... I don't want to give them up John, they have been important to me since I was a child being raised the way I was." she told him and she didn't know why but she got a bit emotional, he saw her get that way and pulled her head to his chest.

" I really thought you knew what I was about John, all those years ago and now" She told him as he held her close.

'I know Natalie, I know what you want in life whats Important in life for you and I'm just sorry I never told you about wanting those things too" he said and she pulled her head off of him quickly and looked at him all curious like.

"What?" she said and he looked into their eyes

"I always wanted those things in my life to Natalie but with all my baggage and everyone getting hurt around me, I just lost site of them, you make me want them again, you always have but I've be to stupid to see" he told her and she smiled a bit

"Really?" she asked and he nodded his head, " what are those things you want John?" she asked needing him to say it, say them.

" I want a life with someone I love, with you..." he said and she took a deep breath "I want three no maybe four kids, two boys of course and two girls, a home" he told her and he saw her face she was a bit in shock at his words, he leaned in and started to kiss her.

After a few minutes he pulled himself off her lips" We need to talk, its important" he told her, now was the time, he had to tell her they were married, he couldn't not tell her the truth.

"No, no more talking, my head hurts and you've made me the happiest I've ever been. Just hold me alright in silence like we use to always do" she told him and he shook his head yes, it would have to wait again for another time.

With the time difference and by the time the plane landed in Llanview it was late. John went back to Natalie's apartment with her for the night, they were both a bit jet lagged, and Nat was still a bit hung over.

"So you don't mind me staying... I mean... I just haven't had a chance to get my old room at the hotel back" John told her as she opened her door and let them in her place.

"No, I don't mind and... Well... maybe if things go well now that we're back, maybe you'll just want to stay here instead of that crappy hotel" she told him, John looked at her and smiled.

"I'm gonna so tell Roxy you called her hotel crappy" he told her; he moved in closer to her, he started kissing her.

John slammed the door behind him as he moved closer to her to take her lips with his own. He knew he should tell her, tell her now but... he just couldn't she was smiling and joking even. He was so afraid of how mad she would be. He just wanted to be with her tonight, with his wife.

Half hour later John laid holding her naked body on his. They made love for the first time as husband and wife and she didn't even know it, another thing she might be pissed at. John closed his eye's as he held her on his bare chest in her bed, he ran circles around and around on her back and he loved the feel of her skin. He thought about what she might say when she found out, how upset she would be, how long it might take her to get over it, she would get over it right? He asked himself, he was so sure she would get over it at first but now... now he doubted himself for a bit.

John knew he had to do something quick, think of something quick. He was almost thinking what a mistake he had made by doing this, by having them married when she was in no condition to get married but then... then he looked down to her on his chest. Natalie's beautiful hair laid spread out on his chest, her arm draped across him, her face resting near his heart. He smiled, no mistake, this was something right for a change, something he should've done along time ago. This was no mistake, even if the circumstances and the events to make her his wife was unconventional, was warped even. Her being his wife, him being her husband, that could never be a mistake.

Natalie woke sometime around 9 and was still very tired. She got out of bed and didn't see him anywhere. She walked over to her dresser and saw a note.

"N- I let you sleep late, we don't have to be to work till 11, shower and meet me for breakfast up stairs. J-" she read the note and smiled, he was on he roof. She showered and dressed quickly and she went out onto the roof.

"Hey, you look good" he told her as she walked over to her, he took her hand and kissed her good morning. John led her to the table in the middle of her roof. He knew it wasn't the angel square hotel roof but... but it was a roof and they were alone on it so it would work.

"Nice spread you got here" she told him and he grinned " thanks" he said, he watched her take her seat but he didn't sit in his seat, he moved a bit closer and got down on one knee in front of her.

Natalie saw him stand near her and then when she sat he knelt down in front of her; she wasn't sure what was going on.

"John... please stand up" she told him and he was confused, was she telling him she didn't want him to ask.

"Natalie? " he asked confused and she realized it and chuckled a bit, she stood, she took his arms and brought him up with her.

"If there is something you are going to ask me, ask, but no kneeling, its just you and me, us, we're not that formal, I never want us to be" she told him and he smiled at her. He looked into her glassy baby blue eyes.

"I love you Natalie. I want the same things as you, with you. Marry me again," he said and he realized he slipped the word 'again'.

Natalie was confused by his last word but then dismissed it. He said it softly, he could've been saying anything so she ignored it and concentrated on what he just asked her. That and the beautiful ring he pulled out of his pocket.

"Oh my gosh, its beautiful" she said and he widened his smile

"It was my mom's, the first ring my dad bought her, she wanted us to have it, you to have it," he told her and she was speechless, the ring it was perfect.

Natalie stared into his deep blue oceans, she went to kiss him on the lips, but he put a finger up in front of her mouth just as she was about to. He shook his head no, back and forth slowly

"Not till you answer me," he told her and she acted as if she was thinking about it. Then finally she mouths a yes as he moved his finger and she kissed him.

They kissed for a few minutes when she pulled away from him.

"Do we have time before work to go back downstairs and celebrate our engagement" she asked as he smiled and moved away showing the other half of the roof, she looked pasted him and saw it.

'We don't have to go down stairs" he said as she saw the tent from Vegas set up, he took her hand and led them to the tent, they bent down and went in.


	23. Chapter 23

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**Chapter 23**

John and Natalie made there way to the Station and to the meeting announcing John as again Chief of Detectives. They walked into the squad room, almost everyone was there, Bo was in front, and he smiled upon seeing them.

"Okay, now we can start the meeting, everyone is finally here" Bo announced as he saw John walk near him in the front and Natalie walk towards the back near Bruce.

Natalie stood up against the wall as she looked to her side to see Bruce.

"Hey sunshine, how was your trip?" he asked as he saw her start to tell him something but she stopped when she heard Bo announce john as the again Chief Of Detectives. Natalie smiled as she heard his name, she saw Bruce's face, and he laughed.

"What are you laughing at?" Natalie asked him still beaming

"You, you're smitten with him again," he told her and she ignored him listening to John speak.

"I'm not big on speeches so all I want to say is I'm happy to be here again, the LPD is the best, I see some familiar faces and a bunch of new ones, and I'm looking forward to working with each and every one of you." John said and he took a breath, he looked over to Natalie, she was standing in the back with Bruce standing next to her, she was staring back at him and smiling.

"That's all I really have to say except that... well... I think there is something I need to bring out into the open so there aren't any assumptions and surprises" John said and he took a deep breath now, he had to do this, he had to just put it out there. Everyone looked on confused by his statement, even Natalie looked on confused.

" When... When Tech Buchanan and I are married in the very near future... it will not affect our work at the station or any of you. We will be strictly professional at work and the officers that know us from when we use to be together way back when already know that to be the truth. Thank you and lets get to work." John said and he saw everyone, including Nat's mouth hung open.

John never liked letting anyone into his private life but he felt it necessary and he wanted to yet again show Nat he had changed some. John shook his head as no one left the room, he saw Bruce turn to Natalie with a grin on his face, John told himself he wouldn't be jealous, no, he wouldn't. She was already his wife and although he felt it necessary to now lie to the squad about that fact to. He knew he was into his charade too much now to back out of it. He knew the only option he had was to move forward with his lie and then after he gave her a church wedding, then he could tell her, then maybe he could get her to see why he felt he had to do it.

John approached Natalie as Bo told everyone a bit sternly to get back to work, as the officers left the room they turned to Natalie and smiled at her.

"Hey, maybe you should've let me know first that you were announcing it, my parents don't even know yet" she told him and he sighed.

"Sorry Babe, didn't even think of that, just thought it was a good idea to get it out in the open, no secrets or games in the squad room" he told her and he saw she wasn't really mad but just taken off guard.

"Well congratulations kids, Boss I mean" Bruce said with a smirk, he looked at John then focused on Natalie" may I be the first one to kiss the soon to be Bride? " He said and he faked going in to kiss Nat. John stepped in front of his face as he brought it towards hers.

"Now Bruce... its time to play nice with the Boss and his wife" john said and then regained himself quickly so they didn't pick up on it. "To be"

Bruce smiled at John " yes, Sir, you won't be having anymore trouble with me sir, just as long as you don't hurt her, in any way shape or form, I'm very protective of my favorite Forensic Tech" he told John and John nodded. Bruce walked away leaving John and Nat alone in the room.

"I'm going to have to go to Llanfair after work and tell them right away you know, and... What did you mean... your wife in the near future, when were you looking to get married, McBain?" she asked him and he didn't have to think about it.

"As soon as possible" he told her, she smiled and asked " well if you're in that much of a rush we could've just gotten married while we were in Vegas" she told him and he nearly choked on his own saliva.

"John are you alright?" she asked him and he looked into her eye's.

"When do you want to get married and where, and how?" he asked, she thought about it for a minute.

"I'd like it soon too, maybe a few weeks, something small, I'm not sure, we've only been engaged for three hours you know" she told him and they touched hands briefly and then parted, went there separate way to get some work done.

One month later the wedding was all set. The Buchanan's talked Natalie into letting them have the wedding at Llanfair with the immediate family and friends.

Tomorrow would be the big day; the past month had gone fast for John and Natalie, wedding plans, working, getting adjusted to living together. It was a fast month and it was the night before the wedding.

John was in his office going over some paper work, it was around 10 and he didn't want to go home to an empty apartment, Natalie was spending the night with Jess in the carriage house.

John was thinking about the important day tomorrow, how she would wear a beautiful white dress, her hair would be up she said, he sighed almost contently as he reached his hand into his desk and pulled out a piece of paper. Their Marriage certificate from Vegas, he stared at it, he wonder if he should even tell her about it at all, once they were married, when they were married they would be happy and... and well what he did by marrying her in Vegas, well. That was cause he loved her and wanted to show her. As warp and twisted as it was, that was why he did it.

John had thought about calling an old buddy at the FBI a few days ago, ask him to have it erased, the Vegas Marriage, the Feds did things like that all the time, things got accidentally erased or lost but he still wasn't sure what to do about it. All John knew was that at this time tomorrow, she would know they were husband and wife, they would be celebrating the beginning to their future together, their life together and that was all he wanted and all that mattered.

"Chief, I need your help with a complaint out here" Officers Davis told John as he called into his office, John rose from his desk and shoved the marriage certificate into the draw for a moment till he got back.

Natalie walked into his office, she had asked Davis to distract him for a minute as she set things up for him. She closed his door and put the bag of food from Rodi's she bought him on the desk, she went into the bag and pulled out his food, put it on his desk.

Natalie thought it would be nice to just sit with each other tonight and eat, tomorrow, their wedding day would be so chaotic that maybe a little down time together tonight would be nice. Just as long as she left before midnight, she didn't want to break the old wedding superstition of the bride and groom not seeing each other before the wedding.

Natalie set up his favorite beer that she brought for him. She twisted the cap and she accidentally spilt a bit on a few papers on his desk.

"Shit!" she said out loud as she started scrambling for something to clean it up, there were no napkins in the bag so she stuck her hand inside his desk, as she did she brought out a few napkins and a piece of paper, an official looking piece of paper.

Natalie wiped the mess but noticed something on the paper that stood out to her, her name. She looked at in shocked as she heard his door open.

John saw her at his desk, he smiled briefly, and then he saw her looking at something in a bit of a shock. He knew what it was.

" Natalie... let m--" John tried to get out but couldn't, she wouldn't let him.

"Seems I can stay with you all night if I wanted, no fear of superstitions and not seeing the bride on your wedding day, we're already married, been married according to his paper here since Vegas." Natalie told him upset; she sank down in his seat.

"A month John? We've been married a month and you didn't tell me" she asked him but she wouldn't let him answer.

"What the Hell? When? I... I know... the date on this is the night before we came back, the night I don't remember cause I was so drunk, how could you?" she asked him and he shook his head, this was going to be bad, really bad. He saw her tear up and he sat in a chair across from her with his desk in between them.

"I'm waiting for an explanation John, how could you take advantage of me and marry me, and then not tell me?"


	24. Chapter 24 The End

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**Chapter 24**

"Natalie I... I...Just wanted to prove to you, show you even that I was really in this, this time, I heard you on the phone with Jess, you were telling her how unsure you were that things would be different from how they use to be, different when we got back and into the real world even. Natalie I just didn't want you to doubt it or me, or what I felt," he told her as he continued to sit across from her

"John... You are making no sense" she told him " I just don't understand what marrying me in Vegas when I was drunk was suppose to accomplish?" she asked him still a bit calm, John noted her calmness and thought it was a good sign, a real good sign.

"I didn't set out to marry you while you were drunk. It just happened that way. I waited for you, I was going to ask you, show you that I wanted the same things as you. You told Jess you wanted those things, a husband, a family, I didn't want you to go on any longer thinking I didn't want those things," he told her and he reached over to her across the desk, he tried to take her hand that was resting on the desk and she pulled it away from him.

"I still don't understand why? Why you would trick me into marrying you while I was drunk" she told him and her tone got a bit higher.

"You came back drunk Natalie!" he said his voice now rising, " I was all set to ask you, had the damn cheesy Justice from one of those crappy chapels coming over to marry us in an hour and you came back drunk! You were suppose to be shopping for gifts for Gabby and Brenna!" he said his voice rising and rising in tone.

Natalue stood, "you've got to be kidding me JOhn? You're mad at me for coming back drunk? And... and..." Natalue was ready to explode, she saw him now stand, and he was turning red.

"A cheesy Justice married us? Please tell me he wasn't dressed up like Fucking Elvis... John... he better not have been any resemblance to Elvis" she yelled at him all hostile now, her emotions, her temper all over the place.

John laughed at the Elvis comment, he couldn't help it, it was funny, but she didn't think it was so funny. She glared at him like she wanted to kill him.

"Its not F-ing funny, you knew I was drunk and you married me without me knowing"

"Natalie, you're over reacting," he told her and she almost spit fire out of her lungs at him

"I'm over reacting, I'M OVER REACTING!" she screamed

"Yeah, calm down, you're all emotional and hormonal or something"

"Yeah, well... I have more than one reason to be," she yelled at him, he just shook his head confused for a minute.

They just stood for a few minutes glaring at each other when after a few minutes he began to speak and gently.

"Natalie... I made a mistake, okay, another one. This time cause I just wanted to give you what you wanted. I wanted you to know without a doubt in your mind that I loved you and wanted the same things as you. That I wouldn't change when we got back to Llanview. I didn't expect for us to clear the air on the plane. I just didn't want you to have any doubts," he told her and she looked at him, she softened a bit, her eye's got watery.

"I can understand that to a point JOhn but... we've been home a month, we've been planning a wedding when we were already married"

"We weren't married in front of God and with our families around to help us celebrate," he told her, she just shook her head.

"Natalie can you honestly tell me... if you weren't drunk that night, if I asked you like I planned, would you have said no?" he asked her and she looked him straight in the eye.

"I'm not mad about that," she told him

"Then what?'

"You took away my choice... again" she told him and it hurt, she saw his face and it hurt him.

"Well... I guess I did... except this time... this time I wasn't keeping a secret of your dead husband being alive, this time... I just wanted for us to be husband and wife like maybe it should've been along time ago, maybe if I didn't fuck things up then, I just... I just didn't want to screw it up again," he told her and she was still being stubborn.

"I Love you Natalie" he said as he stood in front of her, looked into her glassy eye's, he reached around her grabbed his jacket. " I'll be at Llanfair on time tomorrow, do what you want to do," he told her and he turned and walked out the door.

Natalie watched his back as he walked all the way out the door and down the halls, she went back over to his desk, sank down to his chair, sat in it and looked over the marriage certificate, she heard a noise by the door and her eye's moved up and off the paper to see Bruce standing there.

"You know... its not like he cheated on you Kid " Bruce told her as her as he entered John's office obvious that he was ease dropping.

John walked into their apartment devastated, well their apartment for now he thought as he went near the Answering machine. The message light was blinking and he pushed it.

"Ms. Buchanan this is the Pharmacy on Lincoln street, We're just calling to tell you that your prescription for prenatal vitamins are ready and can be picked up at anytime, thank you and have a good night"

John sank himself on the couch. He put his elbows on his knees and placed his face in his hands.

**The End**

**Sequel to follow... Forever and Ever**


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